Search This Blog

Saturday, September 22, 2007

barren


I sing for joy and my remorse.
A well within prosperity's curse.
That drowns the mighty oak of pride but feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest.
In You I find my death.
In You I find my all & my emptiness.
Somehow it all makes sense.

In You I'm rich when I've been made poor.
Comfort found when I mourn.
The prideful one, You see from afar.
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest.
In You I find my death.
In You I find my all & my emptiness.
Somehow it all makes sense.
In You

-"In You" by Shane & Shane



You know that barrenness thing they talk so often about? I've been in it for the longest time. People see this (quite) successful and happy shell of a yuppie, but not the hollow inside.

Sometimes, this emptiness feels familiar. But in those times when it doesn't, I try to fill it with all sorts of things: food, talk, movies, coffee, clothes, work, and then some more work, crying, negativity--anything, just so it doesn't feel that hollow.

I put up this fighting face to prove to the world that I'm not to be messed with, because in this world, if you show vulnerability, you'll bite the dust. But really, inside, I'm trembling and begging with all my soul for everything to make sense.

Then, I realized that the barrenness and the weakness I feel, are taps on my shoulder. I've been too independent, and consequently, faithless. My concept of God may not altogether be ideal and perfect, but I once had a great relationship with him until life took over and put me where I am now. In fact, a better term would be yearning. I yearned for God's presence in my life. Somehow the hollow that is bottomless when I tried to fill it with artificial things, is quenched by God.

Everyday's a struggle, but now I know where to draw strength from.

... ... ...
if you like the song, support the album Pages by shane & shane

Sunday, September 09, 2007

no longer

i pushed the lock and the star key and laid my phone on the desk. "if only it was that easy to lock one's heart," i jokingly told myself. it's been one heck of an emotional ride for me these past few weeks, and as with everything, it has come to a point where i couldn't take it anymore.

i will no longer put up with you leading me on.
i will no longer be the first one to always call.

i will no longer text good mornings and die all day waiting for an answer
...or sigh at night when my good nights are not returned.
i will no longer ask how you are doing

...or wonder whether you've eaten or not

i will no longer expect you to text

... and when you do, i will take it as it is,
... after all, when you ask, where to buy dvds,
... it's not a secret code for i miss you, it's as platonic as it is!
i will no longer miss you from this moment on
... and if i ever do, i'll just work some more
i will no longer build dreams of you becoming a part of my life
...i'll stomp down whatever flame you've rekindled in my soul.

you see, i don't want to be the one fishing all the time, because i'm a good catch too. and for now, i've decided that without you, i'll get by just fine.