musings of a dreamer extraordinaire

why to believe in others

2010-07-26T01:08:00.000+08:00

Viktor Frankl: Why to believe in others | Video on TED.com

"If we take man as he is, we make him worse, but if we take man as he should be, we make him capable of becoming what he can be."
-Viktor Frankl

a letter to hbt

2010-07-23T00:23:00.001+08:00

hbt,

i distinctly remember that afternoon at Starbucks in 2008 when we first met. how could i forget, it was awkward--i did all the talking while you just smiled and listened. then i didn't hear from you after.

march 2009, i chanced upon your facebook page (how gen Y), and despite my general rule of not engaging with one-off dates, i seized the chance to send you a message.

before i knew it, we were watching our first movie. which was followed by a hundred more.

at our best, we were the best of friends. months passed by unnoticed and i enjoyed the time with you. finally, i thought, i am forgiven for the imperfect person that i am. whether we were watching a movie, hanging out at coffee shops, driving or walking around, i didn't mind; i had you beside me. i would often joke about you dumping me a year back.

i might have not said it before, but i thought it was sweet when you decided i should meet your friends. meeting them made me realize more what i liked about you: you were smart, funny, and a bit weird (cute, is a given), more than your friends could ever be.

i understood your family, what with all their quirks. i love that you love/hate them as much as i love/hate mine at times.

i looked forward to Christmas, your birthday, and yes, even that stupid Valentines' day, because when i woke up to those days, i had you to celebrate them with.

we had our rough times, i admit, and more than once, we exhausted each others' patience. i know fully well you hated drama, but in my book, it was never drama, but the fire that separates the scum from the gold that is us. we always managed to get through them.

i appreciated every little thing you did, how you'd squeeze my hand when we're in the middle of a movie, or how you'd stay up late with me, despite our conflicting body clocks. the things you gave me are of less value to me than the time you decided to spend with me, because i know how much toll your work and family has on you.

four months ago, i couldn't quite grasp it when you told me you knew we would never last. to say i was blind-sided is an understatement. i never saw the end of 'us.' you left, and it crushed me.

memories still creep on me from time to time. the proximity of our offices doesn't help either. there is always a song, a movie, a place, a person, that reminds me of you. i beat myself up for being selfish. you deserve to be happy, even if it's not with me.

i sometimes imagine that by some twist of fate, we'll still end up together but hope is a dangerous thing to trust. hope is vague and oftentimes not grounded on reality.

we were great together, hbt. and i miss the hbs that i was with you.

-hbs

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Trailer

2008-10-27T18:50:00.000+08:00

I'm excited!

just like that.

2008-10-23T16:14:00.000+08:00

still a bit shaken.

my 8-month old car was hit by a 10-wheeler truck barely 4 hours ago. i was in Meralco Avenue on my way to the hospital where my nephew is confined, when this enormous stupid piece of vehicle swerved and hit the left side of my car. i managed to step on the break and prevent further damage as he continued to skid and put a nice big gash on my car and flip the side mirror outwards.

if you happened to pass by this area around 4 pm earlier, we were the ones causing the slowdown. and man, i've never been that furious in my entire life. i tried to manage my temper but when this stupid truck driver with his mocking smile insisted that i was at fault (when clearly, if you see the damage on my car, i was the one HE hit), i kinda lost it and I almost wanted to cuss big time, but i didn't. Pardon the words, pero may kagaguhan talaga.

my car has this ugly scar now and i have to sort out the insurance, the repair, my sched when i can't use it. just not the best time if i may say.

nevertheless, i'm just thankful i'm still in one piece. if the truck had been any faster or swerved a litttle more to the right, i could've been crushed, just like that.

anniversary rant

2008-10-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

i'm keeping this short and bittersweet.

five years, and yet i am not completely happy about celebrating it. a part of me wants to be, with all the things i've learned, and all the people i've met. but the more i stay, the more i become redundant. redundant and stuck in the same rut i've been in.

true, i don't mind getting things done. at the end of the day, it's not getting credit, it's about getting the work done. to be honest, i don't like counting.

i love being depended upon, but not for all time. we all take baby steps but at some point, we must start running.

everyone gets tired.
and i'm just like everyone, five years after.

Scala and Kolacny Brothers

2008-10-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

Out of curiosity, I checked out this group that an online contact had been twitting about and now I'm hooked.

Scala and Kolacny Brothers is a group composed of a youth choir from Aarschot, Belgium, roughly sixty teenage girls, directed by two talented brothers, covering mainstream music, such as Damien Rice's The Blowers Daughter and Depeche Mode's Somebody.

Here's a sample of them singing U2's With Or Without You.

iCompose

2008-09-27T18:32:00.000+08:00

it's true that we all have a terminal disease, and it is called life. mortality is the great human equalizer - we will all be leaving behind this carbon-based existence one way or the other.

the past few days i've been thinking - is it all worth it?

we wake up, we toil, we smile, we stress, we love, we fight, we create, we seek. but still, every story will end.

and yet i sometimes imagine that our lives are compositions, each moment defined by a chord and a tempo, adagios and vivos following each other. there are high notes and low notes and midtones.

my life may not be a Bach. or a Mozart, and lately i feel like it's out of sync at times. but i've learned to accept that a beautiful symphony doesn't always need to be happy and high all the time; that how the low, thick and sad sounds fit in make it all the more interesting.

the more i philosophize, the more i realize this life's worth it.

and i want to see how this melody ends.

P.S.
who knows, another's harmony might just make it extra special.

Maria!

2008-09-10T20:07:00.000+08:00

Crappy day. The only thing that picked me up are these versions of Maria. Yup, trying to revive that West Side Story high

The 1961 movie version

David Habbin

Werner Mai

Rafael Moras

John Barrowman

9 - 9

2008-09-09T11:13:00.000+08:00

a brief encounter perhaps but those melancholic eyes and sweet smile are enough.

hay, dream on, chas.
i'm the king of pushing one's luck.

insensitive

2008-08-31T16:32:00.000+08:00

i'm out of vogue
i'm out of touch
i fell too fast
i feel too much

shit.

on capitalism

2008-08-25T15:12:00.000+08:00

Read this today from the thinkarete email. Nice :)

As used in economics the term "capital" would be defined as follows: Capital refers to resources withheld from immediate consumption in the expectation of greater future returns. However controversial a topic this has been, capital has been the main–if not the only–way of achieving progress, even in violently anticapitalist, socialist countries. A dam, a hospital, a university, a cathedral, or a national park cannot be built without using up resources that would be easier to consume immediately, and none of them would be built at all unless they were believed to provide some greater returns in the future.

~Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

'tis better

2008-08-16T21:51:00.000+08:00

...to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

The Next American President?

2008-08-15T16:34:00.000+08:00

Funny!

catharsis.

2008-07-30T18:38:00.000+08:00

it could have been any ordinary evening, but fate decided to grant me the pleasure of seeing you in the flesh.

and you were just any ordinary flesh either, you're an example of why people, including myself, believe in God. eyes, nose, ears, torso, limbs, all in perfect combination. the smile isn't bad either--the first faint one washed all the stresses of my day in an instant.

the night was full of contradictions: our conversation was light, unlike the food we ordered. i'm a coffee-lover, and you're not. i could go on but it would only further prove the point that i so badly want to be proven. opposites attract? i don't know. i hope.

i know that you're rightly classified as OOCL (out of chas' league) in my book, but i took a chance. who knows, my brand of humor isn't bad at all, and though i almost popped a vein trying to grasp your outrageously sexy fluency, i seriously got myself to talk straight English for more than 2 hours.

the night had to end and i offered to drop you off. no, it's not a force of habit that i do on all my dates. i was buying time so i could catch a waft of your scent, or perhaps take an SLR-ish mental picture of your eyes when you smile. did i want to kiss you in the car? yes, but i didn't because i didn't want to assume. i couldn't hold back so i took your hand on the last minute and it felt right even for just that brief moment.

i didn't look back when you got out of the car. the texts or the lack of them almost confirm what i've feared: a memory of a dream might be the only thing to which im holding on.

hatin'

2008-07-30T11:03:00.000+08:00

...this feeling.:{

emo.

2008-07-27T20:05:00.000+08:00

i've been in this pensive mood for several days now but I can't really pinpoint when it started and what triggered it.

most of the time - i feel like i'm about to drown in all of this.
i cling on to anything that could keep me afloat.

one thing that keeps me going is knowing that there's Someone up there who knows my struggle.

i'm holding on.

on my way

2008-07-26T19:46:00.000+08:00

hand on the wheel,
eyes on the road,
i take the quiet drive home;
brake lights reflect
like fire on my eyes
and drown in my thoughts:
80 on the gauge
1:30 on the clock
3 unread messages on my phone;
the pavement groans
as i go along,
life is one long trip
passing me by
it's a blessing and a curse,
this,
being alone.

an email from above

2008-07-17T16:27:00.000+08:00

Chas,

This is God.

Today I will be handling ALL of your problems for you.

I do NOT need your help.

So, have a nice day.

I love you.

P.S.

And, remember...

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do NOT attempt to resolve it yourself!

Kindly put it in the “SFGTD” (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.

All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

keeping mum

2008-07-15T17:47:00.000+08:00

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.

~ Albert Einstein

satisfaction guidelines

2008-06-23T19:22:00.000+08:00

We fail to be happy because we are not satisfied with what we have. So here are a few satisfaction guidelines:

1. Do not hold on to something that would never be yours.

2. Do not fight for someone or something not worth fighting for.

3. Do not cry for something lost, gone, and inevitable.

4. Appreciate what you have and be thankful for things people give you.

Happiness is a mere construct of the mind, you can be happy as long as you really want to.

*A friend sent this via SMS to me today :)

work rant

2008-06-18T17:11:00.000+08:00

whatever happened to "be loyal to those who are absent?" :-)

tsk tsk.

colleagues, don't ask, just ranting ;-)

Even otters have someone to hold...

2008-06-09T15:13:00.000+08:00

Cullum-ish!

2008-06-08T21:51:00.000+08:00

Jamie Cullum's been a staple since I started driving. If you see a silver car stuck in traffic along C5 around lunch time, with the driver tapping his fingers on the steering wheel and seemingly belting out, that would probably be me :D This is one of my favorites, love the sound of the bass, and the bridge part:

"Maybe I'll just fall in love...that could solve it all..."

Some more practice and I'd be singing like him. Wishful thinking :)

http://www.youtube.com/v/Ox534xCWPEs&hl=en"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ox534xCWPEs&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344">

loving the doing

2008-06-08T14:05:00.000+08:00

"You must be the kind of man who can get things done. But to get things done, you must love the doing, not the secondary consequences."

~ Ayn Rand, 20th century philosopher from The Fountainhead

We must love the doing.
We must love the doing.
We must love the doing.

I repeated that for emphasis, but what does "loving the doing" really mean? Let me give an example. The past week was arguably one of the worst work weeks I've had in months. This high visibility project went live last weekend and we spent the entire week resolving irritating bugs and problems that came with it. By mid-week, I was on the verge of breakdown, but I know I have to keep going. Why? Because I love what I do. At this time and age of temporary joys and quarter-life crises, it might be difficult to believe, but I do love being able to do the things I do. True, there will be times when I'm so out of it, but then I get back up and love it all over again.

Still, when we say love the doing, it doesn't mean we lose sight of our goals. We do not want to ramble around. I see it this way - part of it is knowing what we want, and the rest is actually doing something to get exactly what we want. If I'm running, I'm more likely to win if I do these things--know that there's a finish line and just run!

You cannot love something you didn't choose. When you love something (or someone for that matter), it's because you consciously chose it--your actions, your situations. Thus, at the end of the day, loving the doing is being in control of your life. And that is extremely powerful.

01110011 01100001 01100100 01101110 01100101 01110011 01110011

2008-05-19T07:35:00.000+08:00

Barely four months into 12-hour, mostly stand-by mode, days, my laptop gave up on me last Saturday. I'm posting this blog from a borrowed, decrepit service laptop which do not have my three years worth of archived email, my ISO documents, my project upgrade stuff, my bookmarks, artwork templates i created for our organization's newsletter, my various worksheets and my archive of team photos.

I don't have access to my outlook email, am unable to do urgent project tasks, and have basically zero productivity output for three days now.

If there is such a thing, I think I'm experiencing digital depression.

good night.

2008-05-04T13:34:00.000+08:00

Chas' handwriting

2008-04-30T15:39:00.000+08:00

Got this from spihtbraht, interesting. I'm highlighting those which I think applies to me the most ;)

My handwriting analysis:

Chas is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes.

Chas will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Chas an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Chas is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Chas is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

Chas tends to write a bit smaller than the average person. When a person's letters are small and tiny, this indicates an ability to focus and concentrate. This character trait is a huge asset in careers like math, science, race car driving, and flying planes. However, if Chas writes tiny all of the time, he will also display characteristics of someone who is socially introverted. Chas will often sit on the sideline and watch others get the attention at parties. he might be willing to open up and be warm, but only in small groups or a select group of people. When he is busy working on a project, it is common for all other noises and distractions to just fade away and his ability to focus is incredible. When he says "he didn't hear you", he really means, he didn't hear you.

Chas will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Chas believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Chas will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Chas's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Chas slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Chas can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Chas is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Chas basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

Chas is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Chas has a temper. He uses this as a defense mechanism when he doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around him.

Chas is selective when picking friends. He does not trust everyone. He has a select group of people that are truly close to him, usually two or three. He is careful when choosing his inner circle of friends.

Try it @ http://handwritingwizard.com

i think that i shall never see...

2008-04-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

A
tree
is worth $196,250!
According to university professor
T.M Das a tree living for 50 years will
generate $31,250 worth of oxygen and provide
$62,000 worth of air pollution control. Plus it
will control soil erosion and increase soil fertility
to the tune of $34,250, recycle $37,500 worth of water and
provide a home for animals worth $31,250. This figure does not
include the value of the fruits, lumber or beauty derived from trees.

Happy Earth Day!

poker

2008-04-17T19:46:00.000+08:00

You let yourself hit rock-bottom in the hope that the whole process of rising will begin at once, but it doesn't.

You scour your mind for a possible reason, for what others call a 'higher purpose' for this low point in your life. It builds character, they say, and you think silly- did they mean cartoon? Because you realize you are slowly becoming a caricature of what you once were.

You try your best to find consolation in the things you have, in what you do, and in what you think you know - only to find that they don't account for much.

You sometimes wish that your heart will stop feeling, stop beating altogether because the pain is unbearable. One minute you find love, and you lose it the next. You numb yourself thinking it is the safest and fastest way out. To be alone.

And yet everyday, you wake up to a new morning and decide to embrace it; the sun like a giant beacon of hope made especially for you.

It is because in the war of life and love, you take any chance you are given, knowing that in any struggle, the last one standing wins.

I'm almost pretty sure now that God plays poker - and you learn to play the cards you are dealt with.

Soundtrack of My Life

2008-04-10T20:39:00.000+08:00

Here are the instructions of the tag:

1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle or random play.
3. Look at the first question/number below. Press play.
4. Type the title of the song that's playing.
5. When you go to the next question/number, press the "next" button to go to the next song and type the title of the song that's playing, and so on and so forth....
6. DON'T LIE! (and dont press "next" to get another song if you don't like the song corresponding to the question/number below!) That's not cool!
7. When you're finished, tag some other people to do it :)

Here's mine

Opening Credits
All That Love - Korsakow

Lounge kung lounge. Napaka-artsy naman :)

Waking Up
One Step Too Far - Dido & Faithless

" You can sleep forever
But still you will be tired"

First Day of School
Wave - Kymaera

Bossa? Pang-art school talaga :)

Falling In Love
Upside Down - Jack Johnson

"I wanna turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away"
Nice! Love this song!

Fight Song
Hazey Jane II - Nick Drake

Haha folk sounding - parang 1980's TV action series chase

Breaking Up
The Dark of the Matinee - Coco Freeman feat Franz Ferdinand

" You smile, mention something that you like
or How you'd have a happy life if you did the things you like"

Prom
Only Hope - Switchfoot

Yehess pang A Walk to Remember ang prom!

Life
Streetcorner Symphony - Rob Thomas

Perfect song!!!
"Some people
It's a pity
They go all their lives and never know
How to love or to let love go
But it's alright now
We'll make it through this somehow
And we'll paint the perfect picture
All the colors of this world will run together more than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it

We may never find our reason to shine
But here and now this is our time
And I may never find the meaning of life
But for this moment I am fine"

Mental Breakdown
Close of Autumn - Caedmon's Call

"When I'm cold and alone all I want is my freedom
And a sudden gust of gravity
I stop wailing and kicking
Just to let this water cover me, cover me
Only if I rest my arms, rest my mind
You'll overcome me and swell up around me
With my fighting so vain, with my vanity so fought
I'm rolling over
'Cause in just the same way
That the stream becomes swollen
Swollen with cold up over the ground
When my heart draws close to the close of autumn
Your love, your love abounds
All the time I'm thinking
Wondering how would it be
To breathe in deep
I guess I need to be careful
When I ask for a drink
(Just might get what I ask for)
And I know just what you'd say to me
That's why I don't ask you
What would I ask you?
I'm like a bullheaded boy these days
Crying my toy's gone...
You're shiny and new
Guess I'll drop my anger here
Before I float away
And the chains around me
An awful lot of talking
I don't leave you much to say
You didn't ever leave me
And my greatest fear
Was you'd leave me here
A long time back my feet
Could touch the bottom"

Driving
Candela - Buena Vista Social CLub

Puro latin na pang-kape ang muzak ko :P

Flashback
Sexi Plexi - Jack Johnson

No idea haha disjoint ang kantang to!

Getting Back Together
There Will Be Another You - Sitti Navarro

Parang di magkakabalikan :P

Wedding Song
Unjustified - SImon Webbe

"so have it your way
but you'll pay the price
you had ya chances, still got no answers
no leaving with your head held high
i ain't gonna run, i aint gonna fight
so don't go making business
when you ain't got no witness
i guess you gotta let love lie
unjustified"

Di daw talaga :p

Birth of a Child
Flight Attendant - Josh Rouse

"When I was
A little baby
A mamma's boy
No one could save me
From those kids at school
They would bully
They would tease
They would taunt me
Haunt me
"You're such a pretty boy"
"You're such a pretty boy"
"You're such a pretty boy"
"You're such a pretty boy"

Final Battle
Christmas With Jesus - Josh Rouse

" My conscience has it stripped down to a science, why does everything displease me still I'm trying…
And it's so very hard to ask for a part in your Christmas…I find getting in is easy when your friends with Jesus…
He's coming inside me without reason as I sit here waiting for his signal
And I ask of the lord to spare me his sword of forgiveness cause it's so very hard to ask for a part in your Christmas with Jesus"

Battle of faith talaga :p

Death Scene
You're Not Alone Tonight - Keith Urban

That's hopeful!

Funeral Song
Beautiful Soul - Jesse Mccartney

Wahaha at least beautiful kahit soul na :D

End Credits
Breathless - The Corrs

Haha breathless na talaga :P

birthday

2008-04-07T17:39:00.000+08:00

Because I refuse to focus on my case of birthday blues , I am posting a list of famous people whom I share my birthday with and my (assumed) similarities with them instead

Jack Black, American Actor (yeah, he's funny and i am too!)

Victoria Adams, "Posh Spice" (err i'm trendy?)

Russell Crowe, Australian Actor (pensive at times?)

Jackie Chan, martial art actor (i kick ass!)

Francis Ford Coppola, director (i'm artistic)

William Wordsworth, England, poet laureate (i love poems)

Francis Xavier, saint and Jesuit missionary (i'm spiritual. seriously!)

Whachathink?

crazy

2008-04-05T11:47:00.000+08:00

how can you miss someone you've only spent a few hours with?

i dont know.

maybe it's because in those few moments you were with that person, you realized what you have been missing all your life. that, in that brief period of time, you became totally sold to the idea that another person completes you even if its against all the things you have learned. now, when that borrowed time is over and it dawns on you that you may never get another set of chances with that person; that you might, forever be, no more than friends, it numbs you.

and no matter how you try to pick up the pieces of your heart and bond them with the glue of temporary joys, it would never be the same heart that would fit the hollow in your chest. there's a gap surrounding it, where there was none before.

crazy, but you might have actually willed your heart to shrink and leave that space around, hoping that one day, that person would surrender to your love, and decide to fill the space between.

"when all else i gone
i would still be here
in a memory of things yet unseen
i'll remember all that we've never been"
-in another lifetime, gary valenciano

unrecip.

2008-04-01T21:00:00.000+08:00

can't remember where i read this, but it's something that i'm trying hard to re-learn every day.

love is a gift for which no return is demanded.
to love unselfishly is its own reward.

reminiscence

2008-03-29T01:07:00.000+08:00

the moment you stepped into the shop, i knew it was not going to be easy. you sat, smiled, and i had to catch my breath. i must've looked blue for a moment and grinning sheepishly the next when we shook our hands.

in fact, before you came, i have reviewed the scene in my head a hundred times - i'm going to just chill and look uber-cool when i finally see you, but plans don't always work out the way we want them to. you were (and are) more than what i imagined you'd be.

and then you began to speak. it was just one word: hey, and yet it took every piece of me to blurt out something in reply. i'm like a babbling baby learning to talk -- "finally"; three syllables chas, three syllables, get it right. if i heard you right, you said in the most charming voice i've heard -- "yeah, what's up? musta?" or was it a multitude of angels singing hallelujah - i couldn't tell the difference.

was it an hour or two? i was not counting. i just wanted to look at your face and to listen to your voice. they are now two of my most favorite sights and sounds in the known universe.

sheesh.

taking chances

2008-03-27T14:00:00.000+08:00

things that make me happy # 8

2008-03-26T19:42:00.000+08:00

meeting someone for the first time
expecting nothing
then
finding something in them
worth pursuing.

flashback: like solar cells

2008-03-26T16:19:00.000+08:00

The disciple approached his master:
"For years I have been seeking ilumination," he said. "I feel that I am close to achieving it. I need to know what the next step is."
"How do you support yourself ?" the master asked.
"I haven't yet learned how to support myself, my parents help me out. But is only a detail."
"Your next step is to look directly at the sun for half a minute," said the master. And the disciple obeyed.
When the half-minute was over, the master asked him to describe the field that surrounded them. "I can't see it. The sun has affected my vision," the disciple said.
"A man who seeks only the light, while shirking his responsibilities, will never find illumination. And one who keep his eyes fixed upon the sun ends up blind," was the master's comment.

- Paulo Coelho, Maktub collection of short stories

this is really really nice.

now let us, for one second, imagine we're like solar cells just sitting under the sun, unutilized. what a waste eh?

then imagine instead that we're not just wasting away all the sunlight we see and receive; that we're part of one big solar panel receiving light and turning it into useful and clean energy (giving light, warmth...power).

not the best example - but it drives home the idea that it is not enough to just see the light, if i may put it this way: convert it to energy!

and by the way, i'm all for sustainable energy.

a reflection on love

2008-03-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

i've read once that we look for love because we want to be forgiven - for how we act, for our flaws, for our shortcomings, for who we are, and i think this is true.

one proof probably is that even with my circle of friends, there are those that i might have connected with because they saw my made-up, picture perfect side. but those which have seen me at my worst and still decided to stick it out are the ones that i consider indispensable.

almost a year ago, i thought i've finally been forgiven and it absolutely inspired me. you know how those who are in love talk about waking up to beautiful days? i had that and more. and then i was left behind. no, i wasn't worth loving.

the day after i realized it was really over, i woke up early and traveled to makati. so early in fact that i arrived at greenbelt when people were just about to go home from partying all night. not knowing what i really want to do, i decided to hear mass. and as if the heavens knew what i needed, the priest's homily struck me like woah. (internal dialogue:
"father, are you kidding me!?") in essence, this is what he said:

"in this world, we yearn for things in our lives, love being one of them. and when we don't get it right away, we start to think that something is wrong with us, with our lives. but what we always forget is that someone fell in love with us before anyone else ever did and ever will. God did, and still is. He still is."

imagine that. if not for the twenty-so strangers hearing mass with me that morning, i would have cried. bawled. that day, the heavens spoke and made me realize, i'm worth all the love in the world.

things that make me happy # 7

2008-03-03T17:06:00.000+08:00

singing my out!

current fave: elliott yamin - one word
moderate stress: mika - my interpretation
uber-stressed: justin timberlake - sexyback (with dance moves pa!)

things that make me happy # 5

2008-02-27T18:47:00.000+08:00

seeing my office crush

things that make me happy # 4

2008-02-26T13:27:00.000+08:00

solving
a
defect
(hahaha work talk :P)

and since we've mentioned work:
i'm tagging people in the office: jesse, loubert, aris, adelle, tanya, bagus
- what are the things that make you happy?

things that make me happy # 3

2008-02-26T09:56:00.000+08:00

finding crumpled money
in my pocket
or a bill in between
the pages of my planner
just when i thought
i had no money left :)

things that make me happy # 2

2008-02-25T16:15:00.000+08:00

drinking
iced
caramel
latte

things that make me happy # 1

2008-02-25T16:03:00.000+08:00

when you leave your mobile
and come back to find that
someone special
sent you a message

XVIII

2008-02-15T21:28:00.000+08:00

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Thou are more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

- William Shakespeare

shall i compare thee? here i go again with my imaginary 'relationships'. haha :P

battle

2008-02-10T17:08:00.000+08:00

when i am full of myself

... i take credit for everything
and place blame on everyone
... i keep things to myself
thinking it makes me better than everyone else
... i take things personally
... i lose it easily
... everything is about me being right

everyday i fight a battle to win over myself.

first breakdown?

2008-02-02T21:21:00.001+08:00

I
miss
being
(romantically)
loved and
in love.

first breakdown?

2008-02-02T21:21:00.000+08:00

I
miss
being
(romantically)
loved and
in love.

whew

2008-01-25T19:58:00.000+08:00

it occurs to me that i'm so f*cking tired. pramis. but whereas before, i could have been acting up already, this week, i've managed to keep it all under control.

it's both strange and wonderful.

Give it up!!!

2008-01-15T09:59:00.000+08:00

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

new year thoughts (because it's in! :D)

2007-12-31T15:55:00.000+08:00

The past year saw me...

going through a lot of changes.

losing touch with some friends, and gaining new ones.

finding and losing love (and the cycle still continues).

acquiring some material things and giving much (i hope i did!).

laughing my heart out at the silliest things
and crying my heart out as well.

Good or not-so-good, I'm not going to leave out any of these memories, because cheesy as it may sound, they made me who I am right now. Sure, there were unbearable moments. There are particular instances that stand out for hurting the most. But knowing that I am now looking back at all of them makes me proud. I think of them as the fine sift that is used to separate dirt until what is left is gold.

No one knows what this new year holds for any of us, but I carry with me the same strength that has carried me all these 25 years. It is not out of conceit or cockiness, it is from knowing that Someone's in control of it all.

And that Someone believes that I can only get better with time.

Closing Cycles [Paulo Coelho]

2007-12-26T16:16:00.000+08:00

This has been posted an infinite number of times already, but it really hits the nail with what I went through this year, so here goes. Italics and emphases are mine.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

---

Sorting it all out at the moment...

thought for the day

2007-12-20T16:52:00.000+08:00

i'm not mean.
it's just so freakin' uncomfortable.

so i just followed the age-old advise. if you don't like what's happening, you always have the option to remove yourself from the situation.

and yes this is me practicing my free-will.

on time

2007-11-20T19:45:00.000+08:00

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend -- or a meaningful day."

~ Dalai Lama

This quote reminds me so much of what I learned from a wise friend. Time is not measured in days or hours. When we grow old and look back on all the the time we've spent on this earth - it would be measured in memories.

The question is, are we creating memories worth remembering?

reasons

2007-11-18T21:26:00.000+08:00

i dropped the words like
sugar cubes
onto an overly bitter
cup of coffee
the sweetness
dispersed
but was soon engulfed by the brew

good bye

they did not linger on my lips
both words taking
a breath of hope

why...
was all that you said
but i did not have the answer
i thought you'd be wiser
than that

because i refuse to be part of this maze
that you have formed
you pulled me into it once

i got lost
i lost

now i've found myself again
i'm not coming back into your trap

i deserve more than that.

......
for m.s.

Not backing down

2007-11-02T13:12:00.001+08:00

"'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense."
- "My Interpretation", Mika

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enough said ;)

doing good

2007-10-29T21:13:00.000+08:00

"On the contrary, you must realize now, more clearly than ever, that God is calling you to serve him in and from the ordinary, secular and civil activities of human life. He waits for us everyday, in the laboratory, in the operating theater, in the army barracks, in the university chair, in the factory, in the workshop, in the fields, in the home and in all the immense panorama of work.

Understand this well: there is something holy, something divine hidden in the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each one of you to discover it."

~ Passionately Loving the World, St. Josemaria Escriva

Came across an article today which had this excerpt from one of the more famous St. Escriva's sermons. Something worth revisiting whenever we don't find the fulfillment we expect at work. Simply put, wherever we are, we're meant to do good.

the case of t.m.

2007-10-26T23:52:00.001+08:00

you come up from behind and entwine your hands onto my hips like the playful tendrils of a vine.

"o, what's gotten into you?"

as i turn my head i find your face already resting on my shoulder. our eyes meet and yours drain me of any reservation i have about the whole idea of showing your affection in public.

truth is, i've always imagined you hugging me like that.

"tart, why here and why just now", i whisper.

you grin with your braces and say "wala lang, and i don't care if people find us cheesy, i just want to hug you."

with that, you give my tummy a gentle squeeze with your hands and i surrender to the warmth of your body. i close my eyese briefly to capture the memory of the feel of your heartbeat harmonizing with mine. i further lock the embrace by taking your hands with my hands

"tart..."
"o?"
"i love you..."
"i love you."

then and there i know, the universe was mine.

until came the familiar bicycle chime.
5:15 am.
i laid there for a few moments listening to the sound of the breaking dawn. six months ago, that would have been possible, but now, i content myself with the sweet aftertaste of a dream.

i just don't think i'll get over you.

barren

2007-09-22T22:48:00.000+08:00

I sing for joy and my remorse.
A well within prosperity's curse.
That drowns the mighty oak of pride but feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest.
In You I find my death.
In You I find my all & my emptiness.
Somehow it all makes sense.

In You I'm rich when I've been made poor.
Comfort found when I mourn.
The prideful one, You see from afar.
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest.
In You I find my death.
In You I find my all & my emptiness.
Somehow it all makes sense.
In You

-"In You" by Shane & Shane

You know that barrenness thing they talk so often about? I've been in it for the longest time. People see this (quite) successful and happy shell of a yuppie, but not the hollow inside.

Sometimes, this emptiness feels familiar. But in those times when it doesn't, I try to fill it with all sorts of things: food, talk, movies, coffee, clothes, work, and then some more work, crying, negativity--anything, just so it doesn't feel that hollow.

I put up this fighting face to prove to the world that I'm not to be messed with, because in this world, if you show vulnerability, you'll bite the dust. But really, inside, I'm trembling and begging with all my soul for everything to make sense.

Then, I realized that the barrenness and the weakness I feel, are taps on my shoulder. I've been too independent, and consequently, faithless. My concept of God may not altogether be ideal and perfect, but I once had a great relationship with him until life took over and put me where I am now. In fact, a better term would be yearning. I yearned for God's presence in my life. Somehow the hollow that is bottomless when I tried to fill it with artificial things, is quenched by God.

Everyday's a struggle, but now I know where to draw strength from.

... ... ...
if you like the song, support the album Pages by shane & shane

no longer

2007-09-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

i pushed the lock and the star key and laid my phone on the desk. "if only it was that easy to lock one's heart," i jokingly told myself. it's been one heck of an emotional ride for me these past few weeks, and as with everything, it has come to a point where i couldn't take it anymore.

i will no longer put up with you leading me on.
i will no longer be the first one to always call.
i will no longer text good mornings and die all day waiting for an answer ...or sigh at night when my good nights are not returned.
i will no longer ask how you are doing
...or wonder whether you've eaten or not
i will no longer expect you to text
... and when you do, i will take it as it is,
... after all, when you ask, where to buy dvds,
... it's not a secret code for i miss you, it's as platonic as it is!
i will no longer miss you from this moment on
... and if i ever do, i'll just work some more
i will no longer build dreams of you becoming a part of my life
...i'll stomp down whatever flame you've rekindled in my soul.

you see, i don't want to be the one fishing all the time, because i'm a good catch too. and for now, i've decided that without you, i'll get by just fine.

Me

2007-08-26T21:52:00.001+08:00

doesn't really qualify as a blog post, but i really like this cover version of Paula Cole's Me by Katherine Mcphee.

Enjoy! :-)

embrace your greatness

2007-08-03T09:51:00.000+08:00

"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness."

~ Ayn Rand

inspiring isn't it? a similar thought was echoed by marianne williamson, a spiritual teacher when she said that what we really are afraid of, is not that we are inadequate and wanting, but we actually fear that we might be "powerful beyond measure."

let's shine.

human batteries

2007-07-30T13:32:00.000+08:00

"Scientists are working on a new type of nanogenerator that could draw the necessary energy from flowing blood in the human body, by using the beating heart and pulsating blood vessels. Once completed, this new cellular engine could find various applications, even beyond medicine."
- full article at Softpedia

the matrix is here.

reputation vs character

2007-07-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

“be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

~john wooden

another source of unhappiness: we are always too concerned with what the rest of the world thinks of us when it doesn't really matter in the end. ralph waldo emerson writes more on this subject on his work, self-reliance: "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

excess

2007-07-25T09:27:00.000+08:00

goosebumps.

i got them last night when i attended an introductory seminar on what others would call, a self-discovery workshop. my bestfriend attended it last weekend and she invited me to the graduation-slash-promotional event. being a sucker for such things as improving one's life (okay, self-help if you may), i acquiesced to come.

among the things the resource spoke of, what hit me the most was this (i hope i remembered her statement verbatim)

"we fill our future with our past. for example, when it comes to romance, we tend to bring our past relationships into every new person we meet..."

that hit me badly. it explained a lot of things, especially why so many of my past blooming romances failed. it was because, all along, i was setting up myself for them with all my internal chatter ("ah, this one's just like the other one..."; "probably just messing with my feelings"; "this one's going to make me fall and then leave me just like the others").

now this doesn't mean we simply forget about the past, that's just plain stupid. experience teaches us something, but we don't need to fit our future in the 'template' that is our past. we attract what we focus on and if we are held hostage by our past, then that's what we'll keep getting.

it's definitely time to lose this baggage.

a starbucks challenge

2007-07-24T10:06:00.000+08:00

i came across this site today which features comedian mark malkoff's attempt (a successful one at that) to visit all of manhattan's starbucks outlets! yup, all 171 of them.

mark spent $396.14 in the course of the challenge, which is roughly Php 18,600. being a coffee addict myself, i think that translates to getting around 171 tall lattes here in the philippines.

now the question is, has he gotten a wink of sleep yet ever since? :-)

morning thought

2007-07-13T10:42:00.000+08:00

It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.

- Leo Buscaglia

reason to bonk me on the head.

2007-07-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

you've heard it already: things happen for a reason, shit happens, and so on. and probably this is one lesson i have yet to learn and have to get through my thick coconut head.

things that happened in the past are there to teach us something. will i ever learn?

yes, i made the terrible mistake of checking on my almost-ex (a-ex).

me: musta? hope you're well! :) (read: i'm pining. i'm hoping.)
a-ex: oy chas! i'm ok. u? (read: i'm doing great without you!)
me: ah good good. musta na dates? hehehe. (read: don't tell me you have started dating again?!)
a-ex: madami-dami na hehehe. (read: i'm doing great without you!)
me: ah ok, mukhang happy ah! take care then (read: i can't believe you could act like nothing happened!)

grrr. i hate myself for being so stupid sometimes.

one day at a time

2007-06-22T10:48:00.000+08:00

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

you have to laugh to stop from crying ;-)

coming to grips

2007-06-11T14:20:00.000+08:00

with nothing else to do, I decided to attend our team newbies' treat at GB3. anticipating the friday-after-5 traffic, i left home early, thinking i could use the wait time to look for a new book or shirt. i tucked jostein's the orange girl and my ipod in my trusty messenger and went off.

sure enough, the cab ride was a breeze. having lots of time to spare, i decided to cool down at starbucks and probably finish the book. 6750 branch was full. walked a little further and found that the G4 lower ground branch was full as well. last chance, cinema level.

shoot. it seemed that every table was occupied but i decided to try my luck and buy a drink already. worst case, i'll just wait for someone to leave.

i paid for the drink and got it from the counter. still not an empty table in sight. so i walked to the hidden nook behind the counter and found it empty. lucky lucky lucky. i settled down, brought out the book and hooked up my earphones. and suddenly i freaked out. the sad-chill-down-my-spine type.

this is the exact same spot where we had our first coffee. everything's the same except for a few things. it was night then, and you were sitting in front of me. i was reading another book that time, and we were listening to my ipod. i had the same drink then. i always have the same drink. i think you had raspberry frappe.

that was exactly three months ago.

now, whenever my closest friends would see me, they'd tell me to give you up altogether. if possible, erase you from my memories. they don't understand how difficult saying i'll do it is, from actually doing it.

i just want to wake up one day and find that you don't matter to me anymore.

unrequited, yet again

2007-06-06T21:56:00.000+08:00

i first met TM last march through a friend. TM's not the real name, but rather a nick i came up with. not expecting anything, we decided to meet up, have dinner (i even remember the song that the performers sang that night at Red Crab, it was half-crazy) and watch 300 together. i know, it's a weird first movie date, but it was ok. great in fact, because TM kept leaning on me during the film.

although we've been texting even before that, that first date was where it all started. it soon became a habit -- aside from the sms and calls, we regularly ate out, saw new movies, roamed around, talked over coffee. i didn't even mind staying out late which i don't normally do, even if it is just to do mundane things - like reading car magazines in the book shop or just looking at on-sale tech items.

we first held hands on my birthday. on the way home in the cab, i took TM's arm to look at the watch. "guess, watch?", i asked. then i clasped TM's hand onto mine.

three months later, and it's sort of over.
kind of over.

ok, i think it's over and i seriously don't know what happened.

TM and i have had misunderstandings before but we've managed to sort it out. however in the past three weeks, something in TM changed. if my intuition serves me right, there's someone else. if you catch someone in a lie not only once but several times, you'd know what i mean. the dates, calls, and messages no longer came, and if they did, they were rather detached and platonic as can be.

then again, how can something that was never official even end?

whenever i brought up the topic of making it official even in the silliest possible way, TM always appeared like i'm handing down a grave verdict. i found it weird but i dismissed it. there are some people who doesn't like the pressure of a commitment. looking back, i should have listened to such kinds of warning signals.

and now i am coping with a broken heart again.

maybe i expected more from TM. maybe i assumed too soon that this was the one which would last. i even thought that this is the one love that i'm willing to move mountains for. yup it is that bad.

fact is, you really can't choose whom you'll fall in love with. it just happens. you feel it and you give yourself a chance to see if it works; that the person you fell in love with will love you back. which isn't true most of the time.

the heart is a muscle and you'd think several times of getting hurt would train it to feel nothing, yet the pain is the same as before.

if i ever gave a F*

2007-05-04T09:14:00.000+08:00

Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a f**k about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try (yeah)
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

Love it love it love it! Now I can be mad and dance at the same time!

theme of my life

2007-04-30T14:51:00.000+08:00

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

-strange and beautiful, aqualung

The hardest thing is to stand next to the person you love and hold back.

coming around again

2007-04-16T08:51:00.000+08:00

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions simply because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

But when, after observation and analysis, you find anything that agrees with reason, and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- Buddha

i'm back!
-Chas

such a fool

2007-01-09T15:22:00.000+08:00

was led on
again
and the heart is infinitely small
against the pain it faces
blood is drawn
from a tap punched in
letting it all spill
and waste on the floor

"there are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness"
- carl jung

one tired grinch

2006-12-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

not all christmases are merry.

at least mine isn't. for one, i couldn't find the reason to be happy. please don't make me feel guilty by saying this season is not about me, i know the nativity story very well.

the hardest part is trying to explain this feeling. i feel as if my heart is drowning in a tub of tears but the water doesn't swell enough to drain out of my eyes. i force myself to cry but it doesn't happen. it's just there, the feeling, perpetually swishing around my insides.

i exercise, eat chocolates and drink coffee, but the endorphins are drowned in the loneliness too. not even Saturday Night Live can squeeze out a laugh from me.

then i thought maybe, just maybe, this is meant to be. loneliness is teaching me something. that i should try to be happy on my own. don't ask me to expound because i haven't entirely figured it out, but the past year has been a roller-coaster ride of emotions for me. of finding someone and of finding happiness. of letting go and of loneliness. playing the field has taken its toll on me, and for every missed shot, a part of me has gotten nicked and bruised.

perhaps it's time to sit on the bench and just watch.

i just had...

2006-11-10T17:13:00.000+08:00

the most delicious pasta ever
;-)

tunnel vision

2006-11-04T23:33:00.000+08:00

my thoughts are incoherent

symbols of the soul
i revise
and edit my message
a hundred times.

it shouldn't sound like i'm pining.
i'd be as casual as you are.
how goes it?; hope you're ok are perfect;
think first about take care.

and if you don't reply, it won't bother me

but if you do
i won't expect too much of it.
i'll remember to cut the thread short
to avoid spoiling the moment
i'll stop myself from being too happy when i receive it.
i'll read this poem to remind myself
that sometimes you go through the tunnel
even when there's no light at the end of it,
love is not won but given
but it's not enough
reason
to keep one from yearning.

i do not heart Globelines

2006-10-08T12:23:00.000+08:00

let me start by saying i hate my DSL service provider right now. (globelines, if you're wondering). i am so annoyed in fact that i could not find the words to express what i am feeling right now so let me just give you a timeline

last week of september. realizing i still haven't received my subscription bill, i phoned their hotline to have it sent by fax. they said i should monitor within 24 hours and i should receive it already.

october 1. still no bill on our office fax machine

october 5. was supposed to work from home only to discover that my logon is being denied. called Globe and they told me that my account has been deactivated due to the overdue bill. pissed off but tried to be nice to the call agent just the same, gave my feedback that they should have informed me that my account will be disconnected. the answer i got? that they reminded me last september 8. that's a f*cking month ago! again, i requested for them to fax the bill to me and they advised me to wait for it in 24 hours.

october 6. still no bill. i called the hotline again to try having it sent to an alternate fax number. and another 24 hours. then i decided not to wait for the bill and just settle it. called them to reactivate my account and they told me to wait for 24 hours. again.

october 7. woke up expecting the best as i needed to do weekend work from home. but no, my account is still inactive. no choice, off to the office for me. went home at night to check and it's still inactive. called them just for the heck of it. so much for the 24 hour guarantee.

october 8. i woke up counting. it's been 42 hours since i paid the overdue amount and have asked Globe to reactivate my account and still, my access is failing. so it's office on a gloomy sunday morning for me.

i just want to thank Globe for the following:

> decreasing my bandwidth without informing me (oh yeah, didn't think we'd notice it, Globe, huh?)

> for the longest wait time to get entertained by a call agent (proof: you're playing Josh Groban's album and i've already heard Broken Vow twice before someone answered)

> for altering my neural network; i now associate Josh Groban with bad customer service, thanks to you.

> for making me spend my weekend alone on an empty office floor even after i've shelled out the payment

> for having a call agent (yes just one, i remember you) who didn't seem to want to listen or just didn't know how to handle my feedback.

> and finally, for making me part of the demographic which shares their bad customer service experiences to the entire world.

there comes a time when sorry for the inconvenience just doesn't make it.

postcard for no one

2006-09-12T15:20:00.000+08:00

thanks crocodile hunter

2006-09-08T08:29:00.000+08:00

I suddenly had this brilliant idea which I shared with my officemate bestfriend. It is possible to determine whether your life is a a good one or not by doing just one thing: imagining making a movie out of your life so far.

If one was made of mine, I told her it would definitely be an art film: perpetually grey, with a montage of teeth brushing, showering, commuting to work, slaving away in the office, commuting home, showering, and sleeping. It would really be effective if the recurrence of these events is exaggerated until the intended audience dozes off.

As with the background music, the theme would be something similar to the Il Mare soundtrack - melancholic with just a hint of comic here and there.

But who would want to make art films out of their lives? Art films other than being insightful, are relatively boring movies. (Well, several of what I've seen. No offense to film makers, I know you're TRYING).

What I'm really saying is, I want a Steve Irwin kind of life. Yes, the recently stingray-barbed-crocodile-hunter. You're probably thinking I'm crazy, but when the news of his death reached me, it made me sorry for him for a moment, but I later realized that his was a full life a fraction of which, I yet have to experience for myself. A tragic death maybe, but it's just a side story to his full, full life.

Sometimes it takes a freak accident or a death or a life-turning set of events to make you realize there's only here and now. But why wait?

Why don't we just snap out of this coma?

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen events, meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would have come their way.

I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now!”

~W.H. Murray, Scottish mountain climber

pathetic? i know.

2006-08-24T16:14:00.000+08:00

i've read somewhere that we don't look for love just to be happy. it said that we look for love because we want to be forgiven: for the way we look and act, for all our weird habits and afflictions, for the way we dress, for knowing too much and knowing nothing at all both at the same time, for all that should be hated in us - our selfishness, pride, and insecurities.

that reward alone is enough motivation for me to do just the opposite of what i'm looking for. apparently, being yourself isn't the easiest thing, at least not when everybody's watching. it's funny and sad how every day, we put up this sugar-coated layer of ourselves for the world to see - hey look, i'm looking good, i act according to social norms, i know things and will go the mile to read on what i don't know but which interests the rest of you, i help the needy, go to church, and exude cofidence.

all these crap in hope of meeting someone who'd break your shell and yet still like the nutcase that 's inside.

it's true, i have a sad, sad life.

one for throwing away

2006-08-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

in greek mythology, tantalus (you're right that's where tantalize came from) was the mortal who was punished for sharing the gods' food and secrets by immersing him in neck-deep water which subsides when he tries to quench his thirst while grapes hang above hime but leapt out of reach whenever he reached for them.

for one, i have never talked to Zeus' clique so why am i being punished?

i feel so disposable right now.

morphine

2006-08-01T22:06:00.000+08:00

thanks to the rain
and tons of project work
and documents to update
and the night meeting calls...

...i lasted through another day
endured the pain i still carry
for losing the chance i had with you.

once jaded

2006-07-13T19:23:00.000+08:00

how can you miss someone you've only spent a few hours with?

i dont know.

maybe it's because in those few moments you were with that person, you realized what you have been missing all your life. that in that brief period of time, you became totally sold to the idea that another person completes you. now, when that time is over and it first dawns on you that you may never get another set of chances with that person; that you might, forever be, no more than friends, it numbs you.

and no matter how you try to pick up the pieces of your heart and bond them with the glue of temporary joys, it would never be the same heart that would fit the hollow in your chest. there's a gap surrounding it, where there was none before.

crazy, but you might have actually willed your heart to shrink and leave that space around, hoping that one day, that person would surrender to your love, and decide to fill the space between.

"when all else i gone
i would still be here
in a memory of things yet unseen
i'll remember all that we've never been"
-in another lifetime, gary valenciano

personal dna

2006-07-09T18:16:00.000+08:00

Encouraging Creator

a nifty personality test i took, particularly like these two qualities i supposedly have:

When you care about someone, you don't keep it to yourself: you are good at letting people know that you're thinking of them.
Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

hmm so i'm a lover and a dreamer. nice.

Getting a life, finally.

2006-07-08T18:01:00.000+08:00

A respite from the hustle of working life.

Shoes for Tomorrow

2006-07-02T12:46:00.000+08:00

Talk about amazing. A friend at Zaadz, Blake, has just told me he's starting a shoe company named TOMS Shoes. Just another brand you say? Not really.

Imagine this: For every pair of TOMS shoes you buy, they match one pair which goes to impoverished kids. Pretty cool eh?

Patterned after the traditional Argentinian utility shoe, the shoes are really cute and comfortable. (Apparently, Sienna Miller, Jude Law's on-off girlfriend, have a current obsession for these footwear)

heartbreak recipe

2006-06-17T12:49:00.000+08:00

1 tbsp. of rejection
1 whole tokikot heart
1 cup of text messages and calls

It's simple to make a heartbreak. Marinade tokikot heart in a cup of text messages and calls. After some time, take the heart out of this mixture and season it with rejection. Finally, mash the heart into pieces.

Tip: Some cultures chop the heart into tiny little pieces too.

"why can’t everything be the way it was
before the day that I lost you?
...i wish we were strangers again"
- Ari Hest

the lakehouse

2006-06-16T08:54:00.000+08:00

to start off, watching the lakehouse was a result of a personal goal to be 'spontaneous'. so yesterday, when i got off work, even with the threat of getting soaked in the impending rain, i decided to watch the movie.

based on the korean motion picture, il mare, the lakehouse tells the story of an architect, alex, and a doctor, kate, who, whilst struggling to find happiness, found themselves communicating through a 'magical' mailbox. catch is, they exist two years apart, and this is where the whole story revolved upon and how they develop an unexpressed love between them. as the tagline of the movie goes: how do you hold on to someone you've never met?

needless to say, a pervasive sense of sadness and longing could be felt all through out the movie. the perpetual autumn/winter backdrop plus the nick drake-type songs added to this effect, which i found nice. it's a film you would want to watch on a cold, rainy day while you're all curled up under warm woolen blankets and propped up pillows. loved the acting and direction as well - it's romantic but not overly done, one can certainly relate to the characters. subtle humor, wherever they were injected, aided the film's feel too. the cinematography was beautiful, the shots were well-thought out, especially those involving close-up shots and landscapes/cityscapes.

the movie may be quite impossible, but its message rings true. love is bigger than any of THIS, encompassing space, time, and even personal situations.

world cup o' love

2006-06-15T11:33:00.000+08:00

i let the ball roll
as i struck out
again.
and again.
the smell of grass
and of defeat
makes my knees weak; the game
gets to me
i want to leave the field.

"in a world where almost every person meets a jerk, you know you don't need to be serious. hang out, pretend, and play. have fun, stop anytime...no attachments, no commitments, no pain. convenient isn't it? but at the end of the show, you know you're yearning for something genuine, you realize that what you're really looking forward to is someone who can look you straight in the eye and tell you you are loved. someone worth every risk of pain; that one who'll stay. someone who'll make a difference."
-a friend's text message

image from www.csr.uky.edu/~nkang2/

weekends are not for free

2006-06-13T11:06:00.000+08:00

give me back
my weekends:

10-hour slumbers
staying up late
dinner-movie combos
books til eyes are red
early sunday service
breakfast at Mcdo
air hockey with my nephew
time to be alone

work can take care of its own
but moments, once lost,
will never return.

rant

2006-06-06T09:00:00.000+08:00

you probably already know what this entry is about. a friend once told me it's bad practice to write about work in your blog but i have just had it with the bull i had to deal with.

working for a multinational company has its perks but cooperating with people who doesn't believe in your abilities*--perhaps it's because you're young, gifted (hey it's my blog so i can write whatever i want) and from a third world country while they are old and from somewhere else, is definitely not one of them.

these people seek your opinion and downplay them.

i am not writing this entry because of one pathetic conference call meeting. i am ranting because it will definitely not be the last time that i would be working with them. this alone frustrates me like hell.

you're probably thinking that i am over reacting. that they are attacking my ideas and not me. true in some cases, but when you value your ideas the way i do, it's not that difficult to understand why i am feeling this way.

if there's any reason why i'd leave this job - this would be it. because i'd rather work where i feel needed.

__________
* you want another proof? just ask me

no limits

2006-06-02T14:31:00.000+08:00

“We tend to look for captivity because we are used to seeing freedom as something that has no limits or responsibility. And for that reason we end up trying to enslave everything we love – as if egoism were the only way to keep our world in balance. Love places no limits; it widens our horizons, we can see clearly what is outside and we can see even more clearly the dark places in our heart."
-Abbot Dr. Burkhard Ellegast, OSB, in reply to a piece written by Paulo Coelho

I seriously have got to learn this about love.
And also remember it.

to know

2006-05-31T19:58:00.000+08:00

i woke up to find zero messages in my inbox. i think to myself, "it's true, dreams often are the opposite of reality". you see, last night, the sandman sent me the image that i received a message from you, saying you're sorry for not replying sooner and then all is good again. finding this is not the case, i heaved myself out of the sea of pillows and woolen blanket to prepare for work.

while brushing my teeth, i thought of all the possible scenarios why you didn't reply. you probably dozed off while reading for work. or the telecom network is having problems. maybe i received it after all, but accidentally pushed the delete button while sleeping. only the splash cold of water stopped me from believing you might really be just ignoring me.

i listened to music on my way to work. that's a good 45 minutes to an hour of travel. i set my playlist to random because i know my ipod has the nasty habit of playing songs which echo my fears. how wrong was i; the very first song that came up really hit me:

"...it's a blessing and a curse
but you find out what you're worth..."

now if that isn't a sign, i don't know what is.

still i decided otherwise. getting off the shuttle and walking six blocks to work, my fear and sadness started to well up, but i gave you the benefit of the doubt. if you missed the good night, i would wait for the good morning.

current status?
8:00 PM.
zero messages.

i'm past the fear that you're ignoring me, because now i'm sure about that fact. maybe i am just a nuisance. worse, i might just be plain insignificant to you. heck, i'm not sure i want to know the reason anymore.

because by the end of this entry, i already know where i stand.

and another da vinci code review

2006-05-27T12:44:00.000+08:00

the da vinci code cinematography is neither great nor is it a let down. as american idol's randy jackson would have put it, (yo, yo, so check it out) it was just ok.

aesthetic value aside, i didn' t think it delivered the impact expected of it. as with any adaptation, the book is way better, particularly on how it made your mind toy with the idea that Jesus married and had a family. in fact, i find the execution of the story a bit on the safe side and far from blasphemous.

but what is blasphemous anyway? is it in admitting the possibility that Jesus is more human than most of us think or is it in denying and rejecting any discussion on this area of faith? is having sexual relations anti-divinity?

it's no surprise that our world has not totally abolished slavery or racism yet. reading about and seeing people who outrightly abhor a film like the da vinci code, for its topic, is proof enough that we are still living in a semi-dark age where blind belief still exists.

whether Jesus married does not make him any less greater. he primarily was a rebel, one who is not afraid to question existing doctrines during his time earning him the ire of those in power.

and that is one of the most powerful teachings we should learn from him.

lessons

2006-05-20T18:42:00.000+08:00

my idea of love was once like my knowledge of God: it exists, you can seek it, it can be called upon, and will answer you if you just pray hard enough. and it took me almost twenty years to realize that all of these ideas about loving are not necessarily true.

i might have once been tagged by my friends as a love doctor (now that's a different kind of internist!), but i am no specialist. in fact, i do not know love at all, i am still in the process of learning it. so lest i forget what i have learned so far, i am going to chronicle it all here.

we can't choose who we love. we may already have a list of ideals but unless we're extremely blessed, we won't get the entire package in one person. because when we fall in love, we will lose sense of it all. call it fate, love, luck, or the lack of it, we just know we feel it for that person.

love != happiness. for non-programmers, that means love does not equate to happiness. if i may put it this way, love > happiness. it is a deal lot more. it makes us happy, also kicks our ass, makes us fools, humbles us, gives us strength and so on. therefore we can't expect love to make us always happy.

love = happiness. let me finish that. love and happiness are the same in the sense that we cannot pursue them. pursuing love (or happiness) is a tiresome chase, one moment you think you're close to having it, just to realize it has slipped from your hands the next. love and happiness are but after-effects, they ensue; in other words, in order to be loved, be worth loving.

love is patient. the bible got this right. loving takes patience, a huge amount of it. for one, the opposite of the first learning is true: you can't force someone to love you. funny isn't it? we can fall madly in love with someone and yet, we have no hold on that person to reciprocate. where does patience fit in this picture? it is in waiting for the person you love to love you back or in waiting for the next one to come along.

walkaway when we should. love maybe patient, but it should not be utterly foolish. when we fall for someone and it doesn't work out, we release ourselves. it is no one's fault, it just was not meant to be. recognizably a cliche, but that pretty much hits the point. time doesn't stop even if we think it did for a moment once we realize it is over. we should stop punishing ourselves for one lost love because we could possibly be holding ourselves back from the one that will last.

now going back to my analogy of love and God, still one of the things which remains true, is that love, like God, is definitely something beyond our capacity to comprehend.

at the end of the day, these thoughts are born of my own experience and logic; thus, they may not hold a grain of truth. that is the beauty of life: as we live, we are able to create our own understanding of love.

randomness

2006-05-10T20:55:00.000+08:00

i wish it would pour in manila right now - the weather's so warm, that at an officemate's wedding last sunday, all the guests were oilier than the lechon being served.

* * *

the sad thing about payday is having to pay all the bills: a month's worth of toiling sent to the water, power, cable, and the phone company. nothing's for free anymore, soon we'll be paying to breathe clean air.

* * *

read something while surfing and i'm adopting it as my personal motto.
never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

* * *

love is blind. today i saw these words in a new light. context: you love someone. that someone didn't reciprocate. you learn that someone is in trouble. non-reciprocation doesn't matter, you extend your hand to that person. feels good, we should try it more often.

* * *

it may be hot, it may be that i am broke. it maybe that it's too late for me to start playing the game, or that it maybe stupid to love blindly. but seeing the world through a veil formed by these setbacks is a mistake nevertheless.

because the world is on our side, long as we believe it is.

song of the moment

2006-05-09T13:36:00.000+08:00

If I am lost for a day; try and find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is the darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
...I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
But I can't live forever,I can't always breath
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

-Stars

wake up

2006-05-06T18:47:00.001+08:00

a gasp for breath
and a silent prayer
to make it through today;
more heart fragments
might get lost in
the next ticking twenty-four
remember to use
my mind instead;
battles will be waged
not all will be won
but the war will rage on for a lifetime;
sometimes waking
is the hardest part
for someone who's good
at dreaming.