not all christmases are merry.at least mine isn't. for one, i couldn't find the reason to be happy. please don't make me feel guilty by saying this season is not about me, i know the nativity story very well.
the hardest part is trying to explain this feeling. i feel as if my heart is drowning in a tub of tears but the water doesn't swell enough to drain out of my eyes. i force myself to cry but it doesn't happen. it's just there, the feeling, perpetually swishing around my insides.
i exercise, eat chocolates and drink coffee, but the endorphins are drowned in the loneliness too. not even Saturday Night Live can squeeze out a laugh from me.
then i thought maybe, just maybe, this is meant to be. loneliness is teaching me something. that i should try to be happy on my own. don't ask me to expound because i haven't entirely figured it out, but the past year has been a roller-coaster ride of emotions for me. of finding someone and of finding happiness. of letting go and of loneliness. playing the field has taken its toll on me, and for every missed shot, a part of me has gotten nicked and bruised.
perhaps it's time to sit on the bench and just watch.
