pathetic? i know.

i've read somewhere that we don't look for love just to be happy. it said that we look for love because we want to be forgiven: for the way we look and act, for all our weird habits and afflictions, for the way we dress, for knowing too much and knowing nothing at all both at the same time, for all that should be hated in us - our selfishness, pride, and insecurities.

that reward alone is enough motivation for me to do just the opposite of what i'm looking for. apparently, being yourself isn't the easiest thing, at least not when everybody's watching. it's funny and sad how every day, we put up this sugar-coated layer of ourselves for the world to see - hey look, i'm looking good, i act according to social norms, i know things and will go the mile to read on what i don't know but which interests the rest of you, i help the needy, go to church, and exude cofidence.

all these crap in hope of meeting someone who'd break your shell and yet still like the nutcase that 's inside.

it's true, i have a sad, sad life.

one for throwing away

in greek mythology, tantalus (you're right that's where tantalize came from) was the mortal who was punished for sharing the gods' food and secrets by immersing him in neck-deep water which subsides when he tries to quench his thirst while grapes hang above hime but leapt out of reach whenever he reached for them.

for one, i have never talked to Zeus' clique so why am i being punished?

i feel so disposable right now.

morphine

thanks to the rain
and tons of project work
and documents to update
and the night meeting calls...

...i lasted through another day
endured the pain i still carry
for losing the chance i had with you.