how's my work today?

     
punch
   kick 
      blood gushes
         punch some more


    God, i need the strength            
    
    to
    stand
    although
    it
    hurts.

icky love

geez what can i say? it feels like i'm back to when i was 16.

blushing.
butterflies inside.
staying up late.

and i'm smiling...uncontrollably

---

Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
-Gavin Degraw

image from www.fleeingnewyork.com

warmth

midnight came without warning
as the season and i found ourselves
under a mistletoe

a faint kiss on my lips
stirred my sleeping soul
a thought rippling through the night

it's christmas after all.

cheesy @ christmas

the early morning cold that lasts all day

the kaleidoscope of colors that light up the streets at night (including the million tail-lights)

the never-ending medley of songs

if you haven't figured it out yet - christmas is here. while most of my friends have already written entries about THE season, i, on the other hand, could not put my thoughts into words. maybe because although happiness is floating in the air, it doesn't really get to me that much.

ebenezer. grinch.

probably it is because somehow it started to seem repetitive to you. people choose to become nice, to give, to smile, to forgive - only during christmas, and choose apathy the rest of the year. or perhaps it is because you grow old and aside from realizing that santa could not possibly give gifts to all the children in one night (so your mom and dad decided to help him out that fateful night), you learn that all the wonder you see and feel during the holidays but half-mask the sad living conditions of other people.

i do miss the child i once was. yet, being able to see beyond the air, the colors, the smells, the sounds -- the things that scream christmas! is something i don't regret learning. because then, i know that more than the heightened sensory pleasure that we associate with christmas, it also reminds us to do something to change what needs changing in this world.

told you i was not joking when i wrote 'world peace' and 'an end to famine' on my wishlist.

too short

Life is too short

for theatrics,
for face time,
for jumping through hoops,
for excuses,
for blaming,
for trying too hard to please others,
or for chasing society’s illusion of distant riches or fame.

-a dose of zaadz wisdom.

leavetaking

a wise man once said that we all have a terminal disease, and it is called life. morbid, yes, but true.

you see, my grandfather died yesterday and brought this thought into sharp focus.

the inevitability of death is something that many of us haven't quite grasped yet. in fact, we are running away from it. today, there is a manic pursuit for immortality, often cloaked behind such terms as fitness, wonder diets, or beauty. this is not to say that it is wrong to wish for and work towards a long and healthy life, but shouldn't we also prepare for death?

prepare for death? probably not entirely your idea of planning - yes it might involve certain things like for example, the color of your coffin, to burn or not to burn, your epitaph, who are allowed to give you eulogies (such attention to detail!), and so on, but those are things you can write down anytime. meanwhile, we should realize that we are given ample time to really prepare for death - so long in fact that we call it a lifetime. four words: do something; do anything.

lolo may have not earned a degree but he lived a full life. i would always remember how he would always go up at three in the morning to start tending his farm and go home at dusk, tired but happy, to take a well-deserved shot of wine and talk to us in mixed Ilocano, Filipino and English.

i'm just saying, maybe we are pursuing the wrong thing, that we have a twisted idea of immortality. aesthetics and physical strength will eventually fade away; we're essentially just carbon-based beings and you need only look at how stars become blackholes to know that there is an end to this existence.

a lifetime - that is all we're given to do something. because there are no small actions or small lives for that matter - all stories are part of a big one; all stories are one. this is the immortality we talk about, but not seek. when we live to our highest potential - immortality shall ensue, and death shall not be an end, but a consummation.

My dear nephew,

Four years ago, you came into this world. It has been both an exhilarating and crazy ride for us all, having you as a constant source of joy and confusion at home.

On this special day, I wish I could pray for you a good life, but I won't. I want you to grow - and it would mean that you experience both the good and not-so-good things. As much as I would want to teach you to always be safe, it would not be fair. You need to make mistakes, sometimes to learn from them, or simply just to learn that being human means being imperfect. And that that is beautiful.

Be strong of body, and of mind. I wish that you would keep learning all your life, and that you would be thankful for everything you have and don't have. And if you have questions, that I would always be there to try and discover them with you. I can't teach you things but I can show you what I know and it's up to you to make them your truths or not.

Last, I want to thank you for several things. Thank you for wiping away the stresses of our day with the things you do, among others: suddenly singing a commercial jingle being shown on television, reciting the names of all the action figures you see at the mall, and how there is almost not a single day that I have to pay a 'toy' or 'food' toll on the door when I come home from work.

Thank you for amusing us with your silly questions. Of reminding us that things don't always have to be complicated in order to be enjoyed.

Many returns.

-Your uncle

día triste

Odio que yo a veces sé demasiado.

rise

deadma.

that's what i am according to a friend, when i told her how i felt during my latest performance review with our boss. it's a filipino slang for being apathetic. maybe, but i find the word...errr...too heavy. apathy implies not giving a damn, and that is definitely not the case.

what made her say this is probably because i said i am not worried with work at all, even after i was told that the one big thing i was supposed to handle, a project, had been 'postponed indefinitely.' it seemed more like 'discarded' to me. net - this leaves me with nothing to do (sometimes I imagine roots slowly creeping under my aptly colored green office chair).

even i was surprised with what i felt - yes, there was a slight twinge of uncertainty but that was it. am i being cocky? no, i just know i'm ready.

now i'm not exactly wishing for things to change drastically, but my world won't crumble down if they do. besides, as Carlos Castaneda said, a path is only a path -- so why should i get attached? i admit it will be difficult and scary (well, my parents will also probably freak out and ask me what the hell am i doing with my life) to leave this path but when the time comes that i must, there will be no hesitancy. nor guilt. no one will make the decisions for you (unless you're still gurgling and drinking from a teat); your life is yours to take, heck that's what free will is all about.

it has taken too long for me to snap back and i've forgotten how freeing it is to realize that i am capable of becoming the super-me.

time to break the chains that has held me to the ground.

desiderata

i feel like lashing out right now but thanks to fatigue and the heavy feeling that a rice-based meal leaves, i do not. this is not to say that the chaos inside me has gone; it has somewhat subsided but there's still a probability of me punching err..a pillow perhaps, otherwise i will be typing with bloodied hands and amuse you with my typos.

now many people think we're a normal family - and they are correct, we are. i've just seen it proven today. oh you won't believe the drama. the drama! often i feel like living inside a boob tube being watched by crying, shouting throngs of people.

but i'm digressing, because really, what i am trying to do is find sense in all these, this clip in my life's video, aside from breaking into my outer stress-shield and putting my heart into a harried pumping action.

a rather cheesy (but nonetheless suitable) reply is that i am in this family to break the chain of hostility. another is maybe because i am here to even out the scorecard between good and evil among us. they both sound important answers but i'm not hearing a *ding*. i have no plans of getting into the peace corps.

then the best idea of all presented itself: i am learning. if life teaches by means of opposites, today's lesson is simple - there is power in silence.

my nikifor

The cinemas have forever been flooded with multi-million uber-special effects action, happily-ever-after romance, and gross-out sex comedy movies, that is why My Nikifor stands out.

Set in Poland during the height of its Communist rule, the movie has a sober atmosphere to it, and tells the true story of a forgotten painter and how an aspiring one becomes his reluctant guardian at the expense of his family and complacency. Add the perpetual gray winter backdrop and the english subtitle, voila, you have the makings of an 'art film'. Seriously though, what the movie lacks in extravagant production setups, it makes up for in simplicity.

Being devoid of dizzying effects and screenplay complexities, it was able to get its message across without the headache. At length, My Nikifor is a tale that has been told before, that of the basic idea of giving a damn.

break up

We entered the theater just as the lights were dimming. I smile because this is another 'movie Saturday' with you. We finally found the perfect seat and settled down to watch a film about a woman, her daughter, and a plane flight, but my mind drifted away.

It has been like this for quite some time now - we go out, share a movie, and sometimes we just sit quietly over good coffee. I enjoy your company immensely, but I am increasingly starting to imagine myself with someone else.

For now, I try to make the best out of this relationship, before I lose you or, you lose me. Either way, parting is inevitable.

See, sometimes I die of solitude.

weather the punches

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

~ Teddy Roosevelt

It doesn't really matter now, does it? We have no choice but to fight. We've been told over and over that life is a constant struggle, and that the only competition one has is himself. These ideas are so basic that we tend to dismiss them right off, thus we end up lonely and bitter because we fight all other forces except our own. Yeah yeah, the crowd can mock our efforts all they want, but why listen, when you know your life is yours to take and use.

Gotta parry the blows.

the thespian

the patter of rain
are little drumrolls in this theater
presenting in blinking lights,
my pain;
the curtains unfold, finding me on centerstage

the lone actor
basking in the spotlight of anguish and rejection
spoke his lines
and sonnets of deep inside
but words won't come out
drowned by the jeers
and cheers of his defeat

and i reeked of melancholy, of rotten tomatoes
waiting for the afterglow