my piece.

3 hours.

That is how long I slept before waking up to the reality that it's no longer us. Reaching for my phone, I had to fight the urge to send you a 'good morning' message. Funny how when I checked my outbox, I texted you a couple hours ago when I was supposedly sleeping.

That's how ingrained you are in my system - I sleep-SMS you.

Yet I know I deserve this, this misery I am in. After all, I called for this.

We've talked about it, and however crappy you may find my reasons are, I stand by them. I need you to understand that these are my battles and I love you too much to drag you into this pit.

Yup, I said the L word again, because it is true. Still very much is. You should know that I have never experienced this kind of romantic love until you. You've set the bar too high and right now, I can't imagine anyone else who would love me as much as you do.

I don't know how we could have done better. Probably it's a case of too much, too soon. I warned you how complicated I am and yet you were there to stand by me.

I am terrible.

Please don't hate me when I say you deserve someone who will give you the time and attention I am unable to provide right now, because in fact, what I really mean is I am still hoping that someday, that person would be me. I am not being egoistic, when I tell you that you should be happy, because when I say that, I am wishing in my heart that I'd be that person someday too.

Your loss, you even joked when we talked three hours ago, but this has hit me hard just now, when I realized I can no longer send you messages, or get replies for that matter. That no one will wish me well in the morning and send virtual embraces at night. Or crack me up with jokes. Or remind me to eat. Or that someone is listening to Dave Barnes feeling the same way I do.

In fact, it dawned on me that I might possibly be letting go of the only good thing in my life, yet, I don't know where to start nor if it is even possible to make things right. It is selfishness to keep you waiting when I can't guarantee when or if I'll ever be better.

Until that time that I can take your hand and say, let's start anew, let me wallow in this sadness. And if your hand has clasped another, I know I am the only one to blame.