to know

i woke up to find zero messages in my inbox. i think to myself, "it's true, dreams often are the opposite of reality". you see, last night, the sandman sent me the image that i received a message from you, saying you're sorry for not replying sooner and then all is good again. finding this is not the case, i heaved myself out of the sea of pillows and woolen blanket to prepare for work.

while brushing my teeth, i thought of all the possible scenarios why you didn't reply. you probably dozed off while reading for work. or the telecom network is having problems. maybe i received it after all, but accidentally pushed the delete button while sleeping. only the splash cold of water stopped me from believing you might really be just ignoring me.

i listened to music on my way to work. that's a good 45 minutes to an hour of travel. i set my playlist to random because i know my ipod has the nasty habit of playing songs which echo my fears. how wrong was i; the very first song that came up really hit me:

"...it's a blessing and a curse
but you find out what you're worth..."

now if that isn't a sign, i don't know what is.

still i decided otherwise. getting off the shuttle and walking six blocks to work, my fear and sadness started to well up, but i gave you the benefit of the doubt. if you missed the good night, i would wait for the good morning.

current status?
8:00 PM.
zero messages.

i'm past the fear that you're ignoring me, because now i'm sure about that fact. maybe i am just a nuisance. worse, i might just be plain insignificant to you. heck, i'm not sure i want to know the reason anymore.

because by the end of this entry, i already know where i stand.

and another da vinci code review

the da vinci code cinematography is neither great nor is it a let down. as american idol's randy jackson would have put it, (yo, yo, so check it out) it was just ok.

aesthetic value aside, i didn' t think it delivered the impact expected of it. as with any adaptation, the book is way better, particularly on how it made your mind toy with the idea that Jesus married and had a family. in fact, i find the execution of the story a bit on the safe side and far from blasphemous.

but what is blasphemous anyway? is it in admitting the possibility that Jesus is more human than most of us think or is it in denying and rejecting any discussion on this area of faith? is having sexual relations anti-divinity?

it's no surprise that our world has not totally abolished slavery or racism yet. reading about and seeing people who outrightly abhor a film like the da vinci code, for its topic, is proof enough that we are still living in a semi-dark age where blind belief still exists.

whether Jesus married does not make him any less greater. he primarily was a rebel, one who is not afraid to question existing doctrines during his time earning him the ire of those in power.

and that is one of the most powerful teachings we should learn from him.

lessons

my idea of love was once like my knowledge of God: it exists, you can seek it, it can be called upon, and will answer you if you just pray hard enough. and it took me almost twenty years to realize that all of these ideas about loving are not necessarily true.

i might have once been tagged by my friends as a love doctor (now that's a different kind of internist!), but i am no specialist. in fact, i do not know love at all, i am still in the process of learning it. so lest i forget what i have learned so far, i am going to chronicle it all here.

we can't choose who we love. we may already have a list of ideals but unless we're extremely blessed, we won't get the entire package in one person. because when we fall in love, we will lose sense of it all. call it fate, love, luck, or the lack of it, we just know we feel it for that person.

love != happiness. for non-programmers, that means love does not equate to happiness. if i may put it this way, love > happiness. it is a deal lot more. it makes us happy, also kicks our ass, makes us fools, humbles us, gives us strength and so on. therefore we can't expect love to make us always happy.

love = happiness. let me finish that. love and happiness are the same in the sense that we cannot pursue them. pursuing love (or happiness) is a tiresome chase, one moment you think you're close to having it, just to realize it has slipped from your hands the next. love and happiness are but after-effects, they ensue; in other words, in order to be loved, be worth loving.

love is patient. the bible got this right. loving takes patience, a huge amount of it. for one, the opposite of the first learning is true: you can't force someone to love you. funny isn't it? we can fall madly in love with someone and yet, we have no hold on that person to reciprocate. where does patience fit in this picture? it is in waiting for the person you love to love you back or in waiting for the next one to come along.

walkaway when we should. love maybe patient, but it should not be utterly foolish. when we fall for someone and it doesn't work out, we release ourselves. it is no one's fault, it just was not meant to be. recognizably a cliche, but that pretty much hits the point. time doesn't stop even if we think it did for a moment once we realize it is over. we should stop punishing ourselves for one lost love because we could possibly be holding ourselves back from the one that will last.

now going back to my analogy of love and God, still one of the things which remains true, is that love, like God, is definitely something beyond our capacity to comprehend.

at the end of the day, these thoughts are born of my own experience and logic; thus, they may not hold a grain of truth. that is the beauty of life: as we live, we are able to create our own understanding of love.

randomness

i wish it would pour in manila right now - the weather's so warm, that at an officemate's wedding last sunday, all the guests were oilier than the lechon being served.

* * *

the sad thing about payday is having to pay all the bills: a month's worth of toiling sent to the water, power, cable, and the phone company. nothing's for free anymore, soon we'll be paying to breathe clean air.

* * *

read something while surfing and i'm adopting it as my personal motto.
never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

* * *

love is blind. today i saw these words in a new light. context: you love someone. that someone didn't reciprocate. you learn that someone is in trouble. non-reciprocation doesn't matter, you extend your hand to that person. feels good, we should try it more often.

* * *

it may be hot, it may be that i am broke. it maybe that it's too late for me to start playing the game, or that it maybe stupid to love blindly. but seeing the world through a veil formed by these setbacks is a mistake nevertheless.

because the world is on our side, long as we believe it is.

song of the moment

If I am lost for a day; try and find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is the darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
...I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
But I can't live forever,I can't always breath
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

-Stars

wake up

a gasp for breath
and a silent prayer
to make it through today;
more heart fragments
might get lost in
the next ticking twenty-four
remember to use
my mind instead;
battles will be waged
not all will be won
but the war will rage on for a lifetime;
sometimes waking
is the hardest part
for someone who's good
at dreaming.