unrequited, yet again

i first met TM last march through a friend. TM's not the real name, but rather a nick i came up with. not expecting anything, we decided to meet up, have dinner (i even remember the song that the performers sang that night at Red Crab, it was half-crazy) and watch 300 together. i know, it's a weird first movie date, but it was ok. great in fact, because TM kept leaning on me during the film.

although we've been texting even before that, that first date was where it all started. it soon became a habit -- aside from the sms and calls, we regularly ate out, saw new movies, roamed around, talked over coffee. i didn't even mind staying out late which i don't normally do, even if it is just to do mundane things - like reading car magazines in the book shop or just looking at on-sale tech items.

we first held hands on my birthday. on the way home in the cab, i took TM's arm to look at the watch. "guess, watch?", i asked. then i clasped TM's hand onto mine.

three months later, and it's sort of over.
kind of over.

ok, i think it's over and i seriously don't know what happened.

TM and i have had misunderstandings before but we've managed to sort it out. however in the past three weeks, something in TM changed. if my intuition serves me right, there's someone else. if you catch someone in a lie not only once but several times, you'd know what i mean. the dates, calls, and messages no longer came, and if they did, they were rather detached and platonic as can be.

then again, how can something that was never official even end?

whenever i brought up the topic of making it official even in the silliest possible way, TM always appeared like i'm handing down a grave verdict. i found it weird but i dismissed it. there are some people who doesn't like the pressure of a commitment. looking back, i should have listened to such kinds of warning signals.

and now i am coping with a broken heart again.

maybe i expected more from TM. maybe i assumed too soon that this was the one which would last. i even thought that this is the one love that i'm willing to move mountains for. yup it is that bad.

fact is, you really can't choose whom you'll fall in love with. it just happens. you feel it and you give yourself a chance to see if it works; that the person you fell in love with will love you back. which isn't true most of the time.

the heart is a muscle and you'd think several times of getting hurt would train it to feel nothing, yet the pain is the same as before.