to know

i woke up to find zero messages in my inbox. i think to myself, "it's true, dreams often are the opposite of reality". you see, last night, the sandman sent me the image that i received a message from you, saying you're sorry for not replying sooner and then all is good again. finding this is not the case, i heaved myself out of the sea of pillows and woolen blanket to prepare for work.

while brushing my teeth, i thought of all the possible scenarios why you didn't reply. you probably dozed off while reading for work. or the telecom network is having problems. maybe i received it after all, but accidentally pushed the delete button while sleeping. only the splash cold of water stopped me from believing you might really be just ignoring me.

i listened to music on my way to work. that's a good 45 minutes to an hour of travel. i set my playlist to random because i know my ipod has the nasty habit of playing songs which echo my fears. how wrong was i; the very first song that came up really hit me:

"...it's a blessing and a curse
but you find out what you're worth..."

now if that isn't a sign, i don't know what is.

still i decided otherwise. getting off the shuttle and walking six blocks to work, my fear and sadness started to well up, but i gave you the benefit of the doubt. if you missed the good night, i would wait for the good morning.

current status?
8:00 PM.
zero messages.

i'm past the fear that you're ignoring me, because now i'm sure about that fact. maybe i am just a nuisance. worse, i might just be plain insignificant to you. heck, i'm not sure i want to know the reason anymore.

because by the end of this entry, i already know where i stand.