deadma.
that's what i am according to a friend, when i told her how i felt during my latest performance review with our boss. it's a filipino slang for being apathetic. maybe, but i find the word...errr...too heavy. apathy implies not giving a damn, and that is definitely not the case.
what made her say this is probably because i said i am not worried with work at all, even after i was told that the one big thing i was supposed to handle, a project, had been 'postponed indefinitely.' it seemed more like 'discarded' to me. net - this leaves me with nothing to do (sometimes I imagine roots slowly creeping under my aptly colored green office chair).
even i was surprised with what i felt - yes, there was a slight twinge of uncertainty but that was it. am i being cocky? no, i just know i'm ready.
now i'm not exactly wishing for things to change drastically, but my world won't crumble down if they do. besides, as Carlos Castaneda said, a path is only a path -- so why should i get attached? i admit it will be difficult and scary (well, my parents will also probably freak out and ask me what the hell am i doing with my life) to leave this path but when the time comes that i must, there will be no hesitancy. nor guilt. no one will make the decisions for you (unless you're still gurgling and drinking from a teat); your life is yours to take, heck that's what free will is all about.
it has taken too long for me to snap back and i've forgotten how freeing it is to realize that i am capable of becoming the super-me.
time to break the chains that has held me to the ground.
4 comments:
damn. this post makes me feel bad. :(
ako ba to?
Haha.
Miss you, sky! :)
hmmm... familiar :P i admire your 'guts' though :) i wish i can do the same. - positivity? :P
sheila remember, no coincidences - everything's connected.
hunny hehe iba pa yung sinabi mo
anonymous hmm you remind me of one of jennifer love hewitt's characters...hehe. we all need to face things like this. courage comes to us when we need it.
i wrote this entry because i remembered reading something called the acomodador in coelho's latest book. it is the 'giving up point'; complacency is starting to kill me. sometimes i think i've been too safe with how i've dealt with my life.
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