new year thoughts (because it's in! :D)

The past year saw me...

going through a lot of changes.

losing touch with some friends, and gaining new ones.

finding and losing love (and the cycle still continues).

acquiring some material things and giving much (i hope i did!).

laughing my heart out at the silliest things
and crying my heart out as well.

Good or not-so-good, I'm not going to leave out any of these memories, because cheesy as it may sound, they made me who I am right now. Sure, there were unbearable moments. There are particular instances that stand out for hurting the most. But knowing that I am now looking back at all of them makes me proud. I think of them as the fine sift that is used to separate dirt until what is left is gold.

No one knows what this new year holds for any of us, but I carry with me the same strength that has carried me all these 25 years. It is not out of conceit or cockiness, it is from knowing that Someone's in control of it all.

And that Someone believes that I can only get better with time.

Closing Cycles [Paulo Coelho]

This has been posted an infinite number of times already, but it really hits the nail with what I went through this year, so here goes. Italics and emphases are mine.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

---

Sorting it all out at the moment...

thought for the day

i'm not mean.
it's just so freakin' uncomfortable.

so i just followed the age-old advise. if you don't like what's happening, you always have the option to remove yourself from the situation.

and yes this is me practicing my free-will.

on time

"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend -- or a meaningful day."

~ Dalai Lama


This quote reminds me so much of what I learned from a wise friend. Time is not measured in days or hours. When we grow old and look back on all the the time we've spent on this earth - it would be measured in memories.


The question is, are we creating memories worth remembering?

reasons

i dropped the words like
sugar cubes
onto an overly bitter
cup of coffee
the sweetness
dispersed
but was soon engulfed by the brew

good bye

they did not linger on my lips
both words taking
a breath of hope

why...
was all that you said
but i did not have the answer
i thought you'd be wiser
than that

because i refuse to be part of this maze
that you have formed
you pulled me into it once

i got lost
i lost

now i've found myself again
i'm not coming back into your trap

i deserve more than that.

......
for m.s.

Not backing down

"'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense."
- "My Interpretation", Mika

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enough said ;)

doing good

"On the contrary, you must realize now, more clearly than ever, that God is calling you to serve him in and from the ordinary, secular and civil activities of human life. He waits for us everyday, in the laboratory, in the operating theater, in the army barracks, in the university chair, in the factory, in the workshop, in the fields, in the home and in all the immense panorama of work.

Understand this well: there is something holy, something divine hidden in the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each one of you to discover it."

~ Passionately Loving the World, St. Josemaria Escriva

Came across an article today which had this excerpt from one of the more famous St. Escriva's sermons. Something worth revisiting whenever we don't find the fulfillment we expect at work. Simply put, wherever we are, we're meant to do good.

the case of t.m.

you come up from behind and entwine your hands onto my hips like the playful tendrils of a vine.

"o, what's gotten into you?"

as i turn my head i find your face already resting on my shoulder. our eyes meet and yours drain me of any reservation i have about the whole idea of showing your affection in public.

truth is, i've always imagined you hugging me like that.

"tart, why here and why just now", i whisper.

you grin with your braces and say "wala lang, and i don't care if people find us cheesy, i just want to hug you."

with that, you give my tummy a gentle squeeze with your hands and i surrender to the warmth of your body. i close my eyese briefly to capture the memory of the feel of your heartbeat harmonizing with mine. i further lock the embrace by taking your hands with my hands

"tart..."
"o?"
"i love you..."
"i love you."

then and there i know, the universe was mine.

until came the familiar bicycle chime.
5:15 am.
i laid there for a few moments listening to the sound of the breaking dawn. six months ago, that would have been possible, but now, i content myself with the sweet aftertaste of a dream.

i just don't think i'll get over you.

barren

I sing for joy and my remorse.
A well within prosperity's curse.
That drowns the mighty oak of pride but feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest.
In You I find my death.
In You I find my all & my emptiness.
Somehow it all makes sense.

In You I'm rich when I've been made poor.
Comfort found when I mourn.
The prideful one, You see from afar.
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest.
In You I find my death.
In You I find my all & my emptiness.
Somehow it all makes sense.
In You

-"In You" by Shane & Shane

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You know that barrenness thing they talk so often about? I've been in it for the longest time. People see this (quite) successful and happy shell of a yuppie, but not the hollow inside.

Sometimes, this emptiness feels familiar. But in those times when it doesn't, I try to fill it with all sorts of things: food, talk, movies, coffee, clothes, work, and then some more work, crying, negativity--anything, just so it doesn't feel that hollow.

I put up this fighting face to prove to the world that I'm not to be messed with, because in this world, if you show vulnerability, you'll bite the dust. But really, inside, I'm trembling and begging with all my soul for everything to make sense.

Then, I realized that the barrenness and the weakness I feel, are taps on my shoulder. I've been too independent, and consequently, faithless. My concept of God may not altogether be ideal and perfect, but I once had a great relationship with him until life took over and put me where I am now. In fact, a better term would be yearning. I yearned for God's presence in my life. Somehow the hollow that is bottomless when I tried to fill it with artificial things, is quenched by God.

Everyday's a struggle, but now I know where to draw strength from.

... ... ...
if you like the song, support the album Pages by shane & shane

no longer

i pushed the lock and the star key and laid my phone on the desk. "if only it was that easy to lock one's heart," i jokingly told myself. it's been one heck of an emotional ride for me these past few weeks, and as with everything, it has come to a point where i couldn't take it anymore.

i will no longer put up with you leading me on.
i will no longer be the first one to always call.
i will no longer text good mornings and die all day waiting for an answer ...or sigh at night when my good nights are not returned.
i will no longer ask how you are doing
...or wonder whether you've eaten or not
i will no longer expect you to text
... and when you do, i will take it as it is,
... after all, when you ask, where to buy dvds,
... it's not a secret code for i miss you, it's as platonic as it is!
i will no longer miss you from this moment on
... and if i ever do, i'll just work some more
i will no longer build dreams of you becoming a part of my life
...i'll stomp down whatever flame you've rekindled in my soul.

you see, i don't want to be the one fishing all the time, because i'm a good catch too. and for now, i've decided that without you, i'll get by just fine.

Me

doesn't really qualify as a blog post, but i really like this cover version of Paula Cole's Me by Katherine Mcphee.

Enjoy! :-)

embrace your greatness

"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness."

~ Ayn Rand

inspiring isn't it? a similar thought was echoed by marianne williamson, a spiritual teacher when she said that what we really are afraid of, is not that we are inadequate and wanting, but we actually fear that we might be "powerful beyond measure."

let's shine.

human batteries

"Scientists are working on a new type of nanogenerator that could draw the necessary energy from flowing blood in the human body, by using the beating heart and pulsating blood vessels. Once completed, this new cellular engine could find various applications, even beyond medicine."
- full article at Softpedia

the matrix is here.

reputation vs character

“be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

~john wooden

another source of unhappiness: we are always too concerned with what the rest of the world thinks of us when it doesn't really matter in the end. ralph waldo emerson writes more on this subject on his work, self-reliance: "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

excess

goosebumps.

i got them last night when i attended an introductory seminar on what others would call, a self-discovery workshop. my bestfriend attended it last weekend and she invited me to the graduation-slash-promotional event. being a sucker for such things as improving one's life (okay, self-help if you may), i acquiesced to come.

among the things the resource spoke of, what hit me the most was this (i hope i remembered her statement verbatim)

"we fill our future with our past. for example, when it comes to romance, we tend to bring our past relationships into every new person we meet..."

that hit me badly. it explained a lot of things, especially why so many of my past blooming romances failed. it was because, all along, i was setting up myself for them with all my internal chatter ("ah, this one's just like the other one..."; "probably just messing with my feelings"; "this one's going to make me fall and then leave me just like the others").

now this doesn't mean we simply forget about the past, that's just plain stupid. experience teaches us something, but we don't need to fit our future in the 'template' that is our past. we attract what we focus on and if we are held hostage by our past, then that's what we'll keep getting.

it's definitely time to lose this baggage.

a starbucks challenge

i came across this site today which features comedian mark malkoff's attempt (a successful one at that) to visit all of manhattan's starbucks outlets! yup, all 171 of them.

mark spent $396.14 in the course of the challenge, which is roughly Php 18,600. being a coffee addict myself, i think that translates to getting around 171 tall lattes here in the philippines.


now the question is, has he gotten a wink of sleep yet ever since? :-)

morning thought

It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.

- Leo Buscaglia

reason to bonk me on the head.

you've heard it already: things happen for a reason, shit happens, and so on. and probably this is one lesson i have yet to learn and have to get through my thick coconut head.

things that happened in the past are there to teach us something. will i ever learn?

yes, i made the terrible mistake of checking on my almost-ex (a-ex).

me: musta? hope you're well! :) (read: i'm pining. i'm hoping.)
a-ex: oy chas! i'm ok. u? (read: i'm doing great without you!)
me: ah good good. musta na dates? hehehe. (read: don't tell me you have started dating again?!)
a-ex: madami-dami na hehehe. (read: i'm doing great without you!)
me: ah ok, mukhang happy ah! take care then (read: i can't believe you could act like nothing happened!)

grrr. i hate myself for being so stupid sometimes.

one day at a time

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

you have to laugh to stop from crying ;-)

coming to grips

with nothing else to do, I decided to attend our team newbies' treat at GB3. anticipating the friday-after-5 traffic, i left home early, thinking i could use the wait time to look for a new book or shirt. i tucked jostein's the orange girl and my ipod in my trusty messenger and went off.

sure enough, the cab ride was a breeze. having lots of time to spare, i decided to cool down at starbucks and probably finish the book. 6750 branch was full. walked a little further and found that the G4 lower ground branch was full as well. last chance, cinema level.

shoot. it seemed that every table was occupied but i decided to try my luck and buy a drink already. worst case, i'll just wait for someone to leave.

i paid for the drink and got it from the counter. still not an empty table in sight. so i walked to the hidden nook behind the counter and found it empty. lucky lucky lucky. i settled down, brought out the book and hooked up my earphones. and suddenly i freaked out. the sad-chill-down-my-spine type.

this is the exact same spot where we had our first coffee. everything's the same except for a few things. it was night then, and you were sitting in front of me. i was reading another book that time, and we were listening to my ipod. i had the same drink then. i always have the same drink. i think you had raspberry frappe.

that was exactly three months ago.

now, whenever my closest friends would see me, they'd tell me to give you up altogether. if possible, erase you from my memories. they don't understand how difficult saying i'll do it is, from actually doing it.

i just want to wake up one day and find that you don't matter to me anymore.

unrequited, yet again

i first met TM last march through a friend. TM's not the real name, but rather a nick i came up with. not expecting anything, we decided to meet up, have dinner (i even remember the song that the performers sang that night at Red Crab, it was half-crazy) and watch 300 together. i know, it's a weird first movie date, but it was ok. great in fact, because TM kept leaning on me during the film.

although we've been texting even before that, that first date was where it all started. it soon became a habit -- aside from the sms and calls, we regularly ate out, saw new movies, roamed around, talked over coffee. i didn't even mind staying out late which i don't normally do, even if it is just to do mundane things - like reading car magazines in the book shop or just looking at on-sale tech items.

we first held hands on my birthday. on the way home in the cab, i took TM's arm to look at the watch. "guess, watch?", i asked. then i clasped TM's hand onto mine.

three months later, and it's sort of over.
kind of over.

ok, i think it's over and i seriously don't know what happened.

TM and i have had misunderstandings before but we've managed to sort it out. however in the past three weeks, something in TM changed. if my intuition serves me right, there's someone else. if you catch someone in a lie not only once but several times, you'd know what i mean. the dates, calls, and messages no longer came, and if they did, they were rather detached and platonic as can be.

then again, how can something that was never official even end?

whenever i brought up the topic of making it official even in the silliest possible way, TM always appeared like i'm handing down a grave verdict. i found it weird but i dismissed it. there are some people who doesn't like the pressure of a commitment. looking back, i should have listened to such kinds of warning signals.

and now i am coping with a broken heart again.

maybe i expected more from TM. maybe i assumed too soon that this was the one which would last. i even thought that this is the one love that i'm willing to move mountains for. yup it is that bad.

fact is, you really can't choose whom you'll fall in love with. it just happens. you feel it and you give yourself a chance to see if it works; that the person you fell in love with will love you back. which isn't true most of the time.

the heart is a muscle and you'd think several times of getting hurt would train it to feel nothing, yet the pain is the same as before.

if i ever gave a F*

Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a f**k about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try (yeah)
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye


Love it love it love it! Now I can be mad and dance at the same time!

theme of my life

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

-strange and beautiful, aqualung

The hardest thing is to stand next to the person you love and hold back.

coming around again

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions simply because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

But when, after observation and analysis, you find anything that agrees with reason, and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- Buddha

i'm back!
-Chas

such a fool

was led on
again
and the heart is infinitely small
against the pain it faces
blood is drawn
from a tap punched in
letting it all spill
and waste on the floor


"there are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness"
- carl jung