one tired grinch

not all christmases are merry.

at least mine isn't. for one, i couldn't find the reason to be happy. please don't make me feel guilty by saying this season is not about me, i know the nativity story very well.

the hardest part is trying to explain this feeling. i feel as if my heart is drowning in a tub of tears but the water doesn't swell enough to drain out of my eyes. i force myself to cry but it doesn't happen. it's just there, the feeling, perpetually swishing around my insides.

i exercise, eat chocolates and drink coffee, but the endorphins are drowned in the loneliness too. not even Saturday Night Live can squeeze out a laugh from me.

then i thought maybe, just maybe, this is meant to be. loneliness is teaching me something. that i should try to be happy on my own. don't ask me to expound because i haven't entirely figured it out, but the past year has been a roller-coaster ride of emotions for me. of finding someone and of finding happiness. of letting go and of loneliness. playing the field has taken its toll on me, and for every missed shot, a part of me has gotten nicked and bruised.

perhaps it's time to sit on the bench and just watch.

i just had...

the most delicious pasta ever
;-)

tunnel vision

my thoughts are incoherent

symbols of the soul
i revise
and edit my message
a hundred times.

it shouldn't sound like i'm pining.
i'd be as casual as you are.
how goes it?; hope you're ok are perfect;
think first about take care.

and if you don't reply, it won't bother me

but if you do
i won't expect too much of it.
i'll remember to cut the thread short
to avoid spoiling the moment
i'll stop myself from being too happy when i receive it.
i'll read this poem to remind myself
that sometimes you go through the tunnel
even when there's no light at the end of it,
love is not won but given
but it's not enough
reason
to keep one from yearning.

i do not heart Globelines

let me start by saying i hate my DSL service provider right now. (globelines, if you're wondering). i am so annoyed in fact that i could not find the words to express what i am feeling right now so let me just give you a timeline

last week of september. realizing i still haven't received my subscription bill, i phoned their hotline to have it sent by fax. they said i should monitor within 24 hours and i should receive it already.

october 1. still no bill on our office fax machine

october 5. was supposed to work from home only to discover that my logon is being denied. called Globe and they told me that my account has been deactivated due to the overdue bill. pissed off but tried to be nice to the call agent just the same, gave my feedback that they should have informed me that my account will be disconnected. the answer i got? that they reminded me last september 8. that's a f*cking month ago! again, i requested for them to fax the bill to me and they advised me to wait for it in 24 hours.

october 6. still no bill. i called the hotline again to try having it sent to an alternate fax number. and another 24 hours. then i decided not to wait for the bill and just settle it. called them to reactivate my account and they told me to wait for 24 hours. again.

october 7. woke up expecting the best as i needed to do weekend work from home. but no, my account is still inactive. no choice, off to the office for me. went home at night to check and it's still inactive. called them just for the heck of it. so much for the 24 hour guarantee.

october 8. i woke up counting. it's been 42 hours since i paid the overdue amount and have asked Globe to reactivate my account and still, my access is failing. so it's office on a gloomy sunday morning for me.

i just want to thank Globe for the following:

> decreasing my bandwidth without informing me (oh yeah, didn't think we'd notice it, Globe, huh?)

> for the longest wait time to get entertained by a call agent (proof: you're playing Josh Groban's album and i've already heard Broken Vow twice before someone answered)

> for altering my neural network; i now associate Josh Groban with bad customer service, thanks to you.

> for making me spend my weekend alone on an empty office floor even after i've shelled out the payment

> for having a call agent (yes just one, i remember you) who didn't seem to want to listen or just didn't know how to handle my feedback.

> and finally, for making me part of the demographic which shares their bad customer service experiences to the entire world.

there comes a time when sorry for the inconvenience just doesn't make it.

postcard for no one

thanks crocodile hunter

I suddenly had this brilliant idea which I shared with my officemate bestfriend. It is possible to determine whether your life is a a good one or not by doing just one thing: imagining making a movie out of your life so far.

If one was made of mine, I told her it would definitely be an art film: perpetually grey, with a montage of teeth brushing, showering, commuting to work, slaving away in the office, commuting home, showering, and sleeping. It would really be effective if the recurrence of these events is exaggerated until the intended audience dozes off.

As with the background music, the theme would be something similar to the Il Mare soundtrack - melancholic with just a hint of comic here and there.

But who would want to make art films out of their lives? Art films other than being insightful, are relatively boring movies. (Well, several of what I've seen. No offense to film makers, I know you're TRYING).

What I'm really saying is, I want a Steve Irwin kind of life. Yes, the recently stingray-barbed-crocodile-hunter. You're probably thinking I'm crazy, but when the news of his death reached me, it made me sorry for him for a moment, but I later realized that his was a full life a fraction of which, I yet have to experience for myself. A tragic death maybe, but it's just a side story to his full, full life.

Sometimes it takes a freak accident or a death or a life-turning set of events to make you realize there's only here and now. But why wait?

Why don't we just snap out of this coma?

---

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen events, meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would have come their way.

I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now!”

~W.H. Murray, Scottish mountain climber

pathetic? i know.

i've read somewhere that we don't look for love just to be happy. it said that we look for love because we want to be forgiven: for the way we look and act, for all our weird habits and afflictions, for the way we dress, for knowing too much and knowing nothing at all both at the same time, for all that should be hated in us - our selfishness, pride, and insecurities.

that reward alone is enough motivation for me to do just the opposite of what i'm looking for. apparently, being yourself isn't the easiest thing, at least not when everybody's watching. it's funny and sad how every day, we put up this sugar-coated layer of ourselves for the world to see - hey look, i'm looking good, i act according to social norms, i know things and will go the mile to read on what i don't know but which interests the rest of you, i help the needy, go to church, and exude cofidence.

all these crap in hope of meeting someone who'd break your shell and yet still like the nutcase that 's inside.

it's true, i have a sad, sad life.

one for throwing away

in greek mythology, tantalus (you're right that's where tantalize came from) was the mortal who was punished for sharing the gods' food and secrets by immersing him in neck-deep water which subsides when he tries to quench his thirst while grapes hang above hime but leapt out of reach whenever he reached for them.

for one, i have never talked to Zeus' clique so why am i being punished?

i feel so disposable right now.

morphine

thanks to the rain
and tons of project work
and documents to update
and the night meeting calls...

...i lasted through another day
endured the pain i still carry
for losing the chance i had with you.

once jaded

how can you miss someone you've only spent a few hours with?

i dont know.

maybe it's because in those few moments you were with that person, you realized what you have been missing all your life. that in that brief period of time, you became totally sold to the idea that another person completes you. now, when that time is over and it first dawns on you that you may never get another set of chances with that person; that you might, forever be, no more than friends, it numbs you.

and no matter how you try to pick up the pieces of your heart and bond them with the glue of temporary joys, it would never be the same heart that would fit the hollow in your chest. there's a gap surrounding it, where there was none before.

crazy, but you might have actually willed your heart to shrink and leave that space around, hoping that one day, that person would surrender to your love, and decide to fill the space between.


"when all else i gone
i would still be here
in a memory of things yet unseen
i'll remember all that we've never been"
-in another lifetime, gary valenciano

personal dna

Encouraging Creator

a nifty personality test i took, particularly like these two qualities i supposedly have:

• When you care about someone, you don't keep it to yourself: you are good at letting people know that you're thinking of them.
• Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

hmm so i'm a lover and a dreamer. nice.

Getting a life, finally.

A respite from the hustle of working life.

Shoes for Tomorrow

Talk about amazing. A friend at Zaadz, Blake, has just told me he's starting a shoe company named TOMS Shoes. Just another brand you say? Not really.

Imagine this: For every pair of TOMS shoes you buy, they match one pair which goes to impoverished kids. Pretty cool eh?

Patterned after the traditional Argentinian utility shoe, the shoes are really cute and comfortable. (Apparently, Sienna Miller, Jude Law's on-off girlfriend, have a current obsession for these footwear)

heartbreak recipe

1 tbsp. of rejection
1 whole tokikot heart
1 cup of text messages and calls

It's simple to make a heartbreak. Marinade tokikot heart in a cup of text messages and calls. After some time, take the heart out of this mixture and season it with rejection. Finally, mash the heart into pieces.

Tip: Some cultures chop the heart into tiny little pieces too.



"why can’t everything be the way it was
before the day that I lost you?
...i wish we were strangers again"
- Ari Hest

the lakehouse

to start off, watching the lakehouse was a result of a personal goal to be 'spontaneous'. so yesterday, when i got off work, even with the threat of getting soaked in the impending rain, i decided to watch the movie.

based on the korean motion picture, il mare, the lakehouse tells the story of an architect, alex, and a doctor, kate, who, whilst struggling to find happiness, found themselves communicating through a 'magical' mailbox. catch is, they exist two years apart, and this is where the whole story revolved upon and how they develop an unexpressed love between them. as the tagline of the movie goes: how do you hold on to someone you've never met?

needless to say, a pervasive sense of sadness and longing could be felt all through out the movie. the perpetual autumn/winter backdrop plus the nick drake-type songs added to this effect, which i found nice. it's a film you would want to watch on a cold, rainy day while you're all curled up under warm woolen blankets and propped up pillows. loved the acting and direction as well - it's romantic but not overly done, one can certainly relate to the characters. subtle humor, wherever they were injected, aided the film's feel too. the cinematography was beautiful, the shots were well-thought out, especially those involving close-up shots and landscapes/cityscapes.

the movie may be quite impossible, but its message rings true. love is bigger than any of THIS, encompassing space, time, and even personal situations.

world cup o' love

i let the ball roll
as i struck out
again.
and again.
the smell of grass
and of defeat
makes my knees weak; the game
gets to me
i want to leave the field.

"in a world where almost every person meets a jerk, you know you don't need to be serious. hang out, pretend, and play. have fun, stop anytime...no attachments, no commitments, no pain. convenient isn't it? but at the end of the show, you know you're yearning for something genuine, you realize that what you're really looking forward to is someone who can look you straight in the eye and tell you you are loved. someone worth every risk of pain; that one who'll stay. someone who'll make a difference."
-a friend's text message

image from www.csr.uky.edu/~nkang2/

weekends are not for free

give me back
my weekends:

10-hour slumbers
staying up late
dinner-movie combos
books til eyes are red
early sunday service
breakfast at Mcdo
air hockey with my nephew
time to be alone

work can take care of its own
but moments, once lost,
will never return.

rant

you probably already know what this entry is about. a friend once told me it's bad practice to write about work in your blog but i have just had it with the bull i had to deal with.

working for a multinational company has its perks but cooperating with people who doesn't believe in your abilities*--perhaps it's because you're young, gifted (hey it's my blog so i can write whatever i want) and from a third world country while they are old and from somewhere else, is definitely not one of them.

these people seek your opinion and downplay them.

i am not writing this entry because of one pathetic conference call meeting. i am ranting because it will definitely not be the last time that i would be working with them. this alone frustrates me like hell.

you're probably thinking that i am over reacting. that they are attacking my ideas and not me. true in some cases, but when you value your ideas the way i do, it's not that difficult to understand why i am feeling this way.

if there's any reason why i'd leave this job - this would be it. because i'd rather work where i feel needed.

__________
* you want another proof? just ask me

no limits

“We tend to look for captivity because we are used to seeing freedom as something that has no limits or responsibility. And for that reason we end up trying to enslave everything we love – as if egoism were the only way to keep our world in balance. Love places no limits; it widens our horizons, we can see clearly what is outside and we can see even more clearly the dark places in our heart."
-Abbot Dr. Burkhard Ellegast, OSB, in reply to a piece written by Paulo Coelho

I seriously have got to learn this about love.
And also remember it.

to know

i woke up to find zero messages in my inbox. i think to myself, "it's true, dreams often are the opposite of reality". you see, last night, the sandman sent me the image that i received a message from you, saying you're sorry for not replying sooner and then all is good again. finding this is not the case, i heaved myself out of the sea of pillows and woolen blanket to prepare for work.

while brushing my teeth, i thought of all the possible scenarios why you didn't reply. you probably dozed off while reading for work. or the telecom network is having problems. maybe i received it after all, but accidentally pushed the delete button while sleeping. only the splash cold of water stopped me from believing you might really be just ignoring me.

i listened to music on my way to work. that's a good 45 minutes to an hour of travel. i set my playlist to random because i know my ipod has the nasty habit of playing songs which echo my fears. how wrong was i; the very first song that came up really hit me:

"...it's a blessing and a curse
but you find out what you're worth..."

now if that isn't a sign, i don't know what is.

still i decided otherwise. getting off the shuttle and walking six blocks to work, my fear and sadness started to well up, but i gave you the benefit of the doubt. if you missed the good night, i would wait for the good morning.

current status?
8:00 PM.
zero messages.

i'm past the fear that you're ignoring me, because now i'm sure about that fact. maybe i am just a nuisance. worse, i might just be plain insignificant to you. heck, i'm not sure i want to know the reason anymore.

because by the end of this entry, i already know where i stand.

and another da vinci code review

the da vinci code cinematography is neither great nor is it a let down. as american idol's randy jackson would have put it, (yo, yo, so check it out) it was just ok.

aesthetic value aside, i didn' t think it delivered the impact expected of it. as with any adaptation, the book is way better, particularly on how it made your mind toy with the idea that Jesus married and had a family. in fact, i find the execution of the story a bit on the safe side and far from blasphemous.

but what is blasphemous anyway? is it in admitting the possibility that Jesus is more human than most of us think or is it in denying and rejecting any discussion on this area of faith? is having sexual relations anti-divinity?

it's no surprise that our world has not totally abolished slavery or racism yet. reading about and seeing people who outrightly abhor a film like the da vinci code, for its topic, is proof enough that we are still living in a semi-dark age where blind belief still exists.

whether Jesus married does not make him any less greater. he primarily was a rebel, one who is not afraid to question existing doctrines during his time earning him the ire of those in power.

and that is one of the most powerful teachings we should learn from him.

lessons

my idea of love was once like my knowledge of God: it exists, you can seek it, it can be called upon, and will answer you if you just pray hard enough. and it took me almost twenty years to realize that all of these ideas about loving are not necessarily true.

i might have once been tagged by my friends as a love doctor (now that's a different kind of internist!), but i am no specialist. in fact, i do not know love at all, i am still in the process of learning it. so lest i forget what i have learned so far, i am going to chronicle it all here.

we can't choose who we love. we may already have a list of ideals but unless we're extremely blessed, we won't get the entire package in one person. because when we fall in love, we will lose sense of it all. call it fate, love, luck, or the lack of it, we just know we feel it for that person.

love != happiness. for non-programmers, that means love does not equate to happiness. if i may put it this way, love > happiness. it is a deal lot more. it makes us happy, also kicks our ass, makes us fools, humbles us, gives us strength and so on. therefore we can't expect love to make us always happy.

love = happiness. let me finish that. love and happiness are the same in the sense that we cannot pursue them. pursuing love (or happiness) is a tiresome chase, one moment you think you're close to having it, just to realize it has slipped from your hands the next. love and happiness are but after-effects, they ensue; in other words, in order to be loved, be worth loving.

love is patient. the bible got this right. loving takes patience, a huge amount of it. for one, the opposite of the first learning is true: you can't force someone to love you. funny isn't it? we can fall madly in love with someone and yet, we have no hold on that person to reciprocate. where does patience fit in this picture? it is in waiting for the person you love to love you back or in waiting for the next one to come along.

walkaway when we should. love maybe patient, but it should not be utterly foolish. when we fall for someone and it doesn't work out, we release ourselves. it is no one's fault, it just was not meant to be. recognizably a cliche, but that pretty much hits the point. time doesn't stop even if we think it did for a moment once we realize it is over. we should stop punishing ourselves for one lost love because we could possibly be holding ourselves back from the one that will last.

now going back to my analogy of love and God, still one of the things which remains true, is that love, like God, is definitely something beyond our capacity to comprehend.

at the end of the day, these thoughts are born of my own experience and logic; thus, they may not hold a grain of truth. that is the beauty of life: as we live, we are able to create our own understanding of love.

randomness

i wish it would pour in manila right now - the weather's so warm, that at an officemate's wedding last sunday, all the guests were oilier than the lechon being served.

* * *

the sad thing about payday is having to pay all the bills: a month's worth of toiling sent to the water, power, cable, and the phone company. nothing's for free anymore, soon we'll be paying to breathe clean air.

* * *

read something while surfing and i'm adopting it as my personal motto.
never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

* * *

love is blind. today i saw these words in a new light. context: you love someone. that someone didn't reciprocate. you learn that someone is in trouble. non-reciprocation doesn't matter, you extend your hand to that person. feels good, we should try it more often.

* * *

it may be hot, it may be that i am broke. it maybe that it's too late for me to start playing the game, or that it maybe stupid to love blindly. but seeing the world through a veil formed by these setbacks is a mistake nevertheless.

because the world is on our side, long as we believe it is.

song of the moment

If I am lost for a day; try and find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is the darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
...I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
But I can't live forever,I can't always breath
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

-Stars

wake up

a gasp for breath
and a silent prayer
to make it through today;
more heart fragments
might get lost in
the next ticking twenty-four
remember to use
my mind instead;
battles will be waged
not all will be won
but the war will rage on for a lifetime;
sometimes waking
is the hardest part
for someone who's good
at dreaming.

up for grabs!

Apparently, I am worth a whooping $2,458,130 on HumanForSale.com, and currently one of the most expensive males (well internet-literate males that is) in the face of the planet.

Now who needs bling when I'm the bling?

love amendment

for someone who considers himself sensible most of the time, i really am starting to believe i am stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. this is my achilles heel: i easily fall in love. too easy that i have gotten my heart chipped off several times in just a matter of months.

*bonks head*

i reason out with myself sometimes. maybe i'm just feeling lonely, or heaven forbid, desperate, that's why i'm this vulnerable when it comes to loving. so now i'm resolving to using da coconut head resting on my shoulders and not just the butterflies (yeah flutter all you want in my tummy, i'm gonna wash you down with macchiato)

and one more thing, i propose that wearing one's heart on his sleeve be made illegal.

unloved.

sometimes you've just had it. however much you try to forge on and just deal with the blows, you still reach your breaking point.

i just did.

i am human and i am entitled to just break down and let it all fall. i clench my jaw to hold back the tears, but all the piled up frustrations, disappointments, and emotional whatnots i've kept inside gushed forth. in fact i want to hit someone (thank God for pillows) just to let out the pent-up anger.

i've always strived to be good, but when people, worse if they are family, make you feel like that everything they do for you is an obligation and not an act of love, it hurts like hell. family's supposed to be your retreat when the whole world is against you; now someone tell me i'm not alone.

i swear when i have a family of my own i'd make them feel loved like every day is the end of the world.

and i'm sure they'd write about it.

zero missing puzzle pieces

you complete me... so goes one of the cheesiest lines in romantic-comedy movie history. i mentioned this because, i have been pondering on the subject of love and relationship recently, and this is one of the things i have come to refute.

we cannot complete others, nor can others complete us.

it is most tragic that we were brought up to think that we are all giant puzzles each with a missing piece that can only be filled by another person. don't get me wrong, i've fallen for this myth as well, and i thank life's recent circumstances (among others, realizing that the person you loved is not in love with you, but with the idea of being in loved and involved) for waking me.but have we for one moment grasped the undeniable truth that we are, each of us, complete on our own? that it is selfish if we look for completeness in the relationships we make?

this is not to say that this is the entire truth, after all, i might be wrong. yet the more i think about it, if we expect another person to complete us, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, and, the people we love, for unreasonable expectations.

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation.
We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
- Leo Buscaglia

just run

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead; sometimes you’re behind;
the race is long,
and in the end it’s only with yourself.
- Baz Luhrmann

lucky you.

whether you celebrate easter or not, the story of easter still resonates as one of the greatest love stories of all. and if that alone doesn't make you thankful, here's an email message i received from a friend

Consider this:

If you have food, clothes and a home, you are richer than 75% of the world; if you have some money in the bank, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy; if you woke up healthy this morning, you are more blessed than the one million who will not survive this week; if you have experienced peace and freedom, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world; if you can read this message, you are more blessed than over 2 billion people who cannot read at all! Won't you thank God for how blessed you are?

now tell me it's not a happy easter.

definitive dreamer songs part2

i lied. i got caught up with work again and forgot to finish my list. i'm changing my approach this time, let's focus on the lyrics. anyhow, here goes:

drowning (missy higgins)
- she's more popular for her breakthrough song scar but i like this one better.
"love rules all/conquers all "

dying (five for fighting)
- reeks of sadness. love it.
" there's a shade come over this/heart that's coping with/laying down to rest"

say what you want (texas)
- another vh1-ish song. the intro alone could stand on its own
"you can say what you want/but it won't change my mind"

if i ever lose my faith in you (sting)
- sting is sting.
"i could be lost inside their lies without a trace/but every time I close my eyes, I see your face"

let it fall (glen phillips/sean watkins)
- glen's formerly of toad the wet sprocket, has one of the nicest singing voices. sean watkins is part of the bluegrass band nickel creek. the song's light but has a sad undertone.
" my kingdom's walls have fallen down/but i know that i don't wear an undeserved crown"

here is gone (goo goo dolls)
- the song that replaced iris on my goo goo dolls list. typically the song you want to sing when your just ready to go.
" and i don't need the fallout/of all the past that's in between us/and i'm not holdin' on/and all your lies weren't enough to keep me here"

brighter than sunshine (aqualung)
- and now a song when you're in love. haha!
" love will remain a mystery/but give me your hand and you will see/your heart is keeping time with me"

what a wonderful world (louis armstrong)
- i started loving this song after meet joe black. you're right, it's my all-time fave film.
" i hear babies crying i watch them grow/they'll learn much more than i'll ever know/and i think to myself/what a wonderful world"

baby i love your way (big mountain)
- who doesn't dance to this song?
" shadows grow so long before my eyes/and they're moving across the page/suddenly the day turns into night/far away from the city"

measure of love (tj mccloud)
- a former lead vocals of stephen speaks. i won't be surprised if this artist wins a grammy for songwriting. amazing arrangements too. calling record companies, bring tj's album to manila pretty please!
"i'm not gonna lie/there've been times/when i broke down and cry/at the thought of the distance/scared of the miles/all that i'm missing/away from those eyes"

darkness falls (caleb carruth)
- another non-mainstream artist (talk about 'hidden' talent) that sounds great. the song i've been singing every single morning. certainly captured my idea of God.
"you're the beauty that encompasses the night/the peace in the morn/you're the dreams of my dreams/i will never awake"

there you go, now go ahead, given these songs, half-empty-half-full-shrink me. :)

definitive dreamer songs part1

today just feels weird. it has been a long time since i spent the entire sunday morning at home and i feel idle. i know i have lots to do: clean up this blog's code, organize my computers files (my my docs folder is one big trash bin), read the ballycumbers (woah hehe) or just succumb to my OCD and wipe things with alcohol. yet, i don't feel like doing any of these at all, so i decided to list down my favorite songs.

it's not thorough, but when i sorted my itunes' play rate they are in the honor roll.

comfort in your strangeness (cynthia alexander)
- there's just something honest about this song, or probably it's the way cynthia sang it.

everything (lifehouse)
- yeah i'm one of the hoardes who like this song, it just gives me the tingles when i hear it. the dynamics is really nice how the song starts like a whisper and rocks out in the end.

last goodbye (jeff buckley)
- too bad he's dead. (or is he?) the song just oozes with longing and jeff buckley's voice is perfect for it.

i love you, porgy.| here comes the sun. (nina simone)
- both are covers. i wish i've discovered nina simone sooner. couldn't add more, nina's the man (err woman) when it comes to the jazzy/bluesy stuff.

across the universe (fiona apple)
- fiona apple may eat eccentricity for breakfast, but her cover of this beatles' song is really good. love the lazy style.

amber (311)
- did i say beach? one of the perfect summer songs where you sit near a beach bonfire and chill.

santeria (sublime)
- perhaps the best sublime song, like 311's amber, this is a beach song, exuding that authentic jamaican feel.

les fleurs (4hero)
- the first time i heard the full version of this song, i couldn't sleep. because i can't remember the tv ad that used it. later on i found it was bailey's. very nice orchestral arrangement.

sunday morning (maroon 5)
- another mainstream song which doesn't fail to trigger a bobbing motion with my head.

i'm yours | clockwatching (jason mraz)
- love the mraz, hey i can even mimic his style on some of his songs (takes a lot of practice and stuttering i tell you). he's the god that gives (us) geeks the hope that we have equal chances in love's playing field hehe

and the last song for today's list is:

maybe tomorrow (stereophonics)
- really nice, slow, groovy rock song. one of the songs that make me feel really cool for some reason when i listen to it. (just imagine me walking 6 blocks to work and grooving to this song)

having said that, the rest of the list will come tomorrow :P

birthday thoughts

i like life. it's something to do.
-ronnie shakes

the first thing i thought of when i woke up to my 2_ (hah!) year on earth is: i don't feel 2_ (hah! again) at all. i decided to date myself (i'm alright, thanks. a lifetime of singlehood has prepared me for this) as i usually do on birthdays. learned quite a few things:

1. there's such a thing on clothes as gusot mayaman (rich man's wrinkle, refers to clothes which even hell's flat irons would hate). yeah laught at me all you want, but i really thought it was a slang, until i saw three stalls selling clothes labeled that way.

2. computer applications develop articial intelligence (hmm more like emotions). want proof? whenever i take a day off from work, our computer systems mess up. i swear, it's because our SAP system misses me.

3. it's normal even if it doesn't feel like it, when none of your ex-es greet you.

4. if it's your birthday, you are entitled to treat yourself to two Starbucks drinks, a nice laptop bag, two shirts, and a movie. **snaps** and if you're planning to ask, yes i'm broke right now hehe

5. the weather's so hot here in manila that if sunlight is a currency, Filipinos would be gazillionaires.

6. sports suits/blazers are expensive in tropical countries. don't ask me why, but the basic law of supply and demand definitely didn't apply to the kenneth cole jacket i was eyeing. how much is it?--i'd have to work forever.

7. at twenty-_, i have so much to learn, and do, and feel, and aaargghhh let's just say, i can't wait to see my hundredth birthday candle blown.

and even if there's no one there to celebrate it with me, i know it will be alright ;-)

goal!

Among the things that keep me sane is photography. There's nothing like the feeling of being able to capture the beauty in seemingly ordinary things, and although I don't have the best tools to work with, I try to make do with my trusty digital camera.

In fact, when I list down the alternative careers that I would love to take, being a photographer/graphic artist is probably the top (closely followed by 2.rockstar and 3.resort/food/travel writer).

Last February, I joined a photography contest sponsored by the Apple distributor here in the Philippines, with the theme Apple Of My I, and among the categories is a people's choice so if you want to help me realize a dream, please vote for me here, my entry is Nighty-night Pod. That's my nephew right there listening to an ipod (as cool as his uncle, I know ;))

Yes, I'm a dreamer, but as a certain Ralph Vaull Starr said, "Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal."

my heart's mouthpiece

Isn't it amazing that some people have captured perfectly what you want to say?
Namaste, Pablo Neruda.

---

If You Forget Me
Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

solitude. again.

you cover your ears
because silence is golden
the buzzing reality's unbearable
so enter your world
of sweet quiescence
and let the soul do the talking

adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit

the future is fluid.

those are, more or less, the words of my modern-day hero, Bono, and i am realizing the truth in those words every single day. the only things we are able to control: our moment to moment actions, shape the future that we will live in.

now if we follow the logic of the butterfly effect, where a flap of a butterfly's wings sets of a tornado somewhere else, we are not only changing our own future, but in doing the smallest of things, we are in fact, effecting an entirely different future for everyone.

talk about power!

therefore, today's life lesson for this crash-test dummy is really simple.
be impeccable.

jump in

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to see the ocean again and just as always, I was lost for words to describe how it felt seeing its beauty. Yet, the sight and the sound of the sea is nothing compared to the feeling of being part of the water. It embraces you and soon you find your breathing rhymes with the waves.

Knowing that the ocean is older and wiser, I let the questions flow out of my mind, and the answers gushed forth.

Is life worth all the struggle?
Struggle is a choice. One struggles because s/he decides to against the elements. The sea follows the breathing of the wind and the pull of gravity, but these forces doesn't stop the ocean from fulfilling its purpose.

Is where I am, where I'm really meant to be?
Think of yourself as a drop of water in the vast ocean. At any given time, however small you are(or what you do) ultimately, you are still the ocean. You are part of the whole and you are the whole at the same time.

Still, the ocean with one less drop of water is still the ocean. Does this mean you are useless? On the contrary, no drop of water is wasted - it can only become another form - maybe part of the waves that crash, but get to kiss the shore, or evaporate and be the dew that touches the grass in the morning or become rain that brings life to a desolate land.

What am I to do?
The ocean is not only meant to be seen, or heard. In order to understand the ocean, one must jump in.
So it is with life.

major reorg

a saddle-point.

this perfectly captures where i am right now. somehow, having the sense of 'everything's okay' is unsettling and it is freaking me out. to get a sense of what i'm saying, i'll enumerate the statuses of the different aspects of my life right now:

1. work is fine.
2. family's fine.
3. love-life's not-so-fine but coping.
4. health is fine.

in short, life is fine. and there you see the problem. when you assess life, it shouldn't just be fine. it should be great. it feels like i'm missing out on a lot of things yet am already losing the energy to pursue those things. like calvin, i enjoy a leisurely ride on the swing, but i think it's time i throw myself out there.

it's time to reorg.

five(5) reasons to hate valentines

1. all the red.

why not blue? or green? why do people share this weird consensus to wear red on valentine's day?

this morning, i was walking the usual six blocks to work and i felt out of place. people were wearing red like there's no tomorrow--it gave me temporary blindness (oh god, my eyes! my eeeyyyesss!) apparently, they need to wear red in order to remind themselves that today is valentine's. you'd say - it's because the heart is red in color, then again, who wants to be reminded of bloodied internal organs?

which leads me to my second reason:

2. all the hearts.

again, why do people find it necessary to wear something designed with hearts on valentine's? why do shops hang hearts in all imaginable shapes and sizes? it seems that most right-brains are paralyzed during this season.

i have two points mainly:

one - the heart doesn't look like an apple with a pointed bottom at all. it's like a closed fist only more oddly shaped. (and to remind you, red with blood)
and two - valentine's is anti-creativity in this respect. unlike christmas with all its character and life, valentine's restricts people to red hearts and the occasional cupid and teddy bears.

3. mushy love songs.

"we're the king and queen of hearts...hold me when the music starts..."

among the items in this list, perhaps this is the most tolerable. however, if you hear the same love song more than thrice in a day, it will drive you crazy and probably prompt you to add 6 more items to this list.

4. the horrendous traffic

a simple analysis:
people will go on dates
people will bring cars instead of commuting
cars fill the streets
streets become parking lots

net: valentine's is definitely NOT about sustainability. according to studies, the amount of greenhouse gases released to the atmosphere increases by 25% on valentine's day**

5. flowers the price of the royal jewels.

PhP250 for a single shrunken rose bud. PhP900 for three tulips.

Context?
Php250 = 42 instant noodle packs
PhP900 = ~40 kilos of rice

unlesss you can eat the flower, use your money to feed the hungry instead.

---

nah, i don't really hate valentine's that much, but if you trace its history, the day when people decide to express their love is no more than a legend. in fact, it could be any day of the year - and i think that'd be much better.

why choose a single day to show your love when you have everyday to do it?


**guessed figures, was just trying to make a point.

warning: habit-forming

can i just say the fortified zaadz rocks?

what's it all about?

great (and to quote zaadz, beautiful too!) people with great vision.
let's change the world.

my piece.

3 hours.

That is how long I slept before waking up to the reality that it's no longer us. Reaching for my phone, I had to fight the urge to send you a 'good morning' message. Funny how when I checked my outbox, I texted you a couple hours ago when I was supposedly sleeping.

That's how ingrained you are in my system - I sleep-SMS you.

Yet I know I deserve this, this misery I am in. After all, I called for this.

We've talked about it, and however crappy you may find my reasons are, I stand by them. I need you to understand that these are my battles and I love you too much to drag you into this pit.

Yup, I said the L word again, because it is true. Still very much is. You should know that I have never experienced this kind of romantic love until you. You've set the bar too high and right now, I can't imagine anyone else who would love me as much as you do.

I don't know how we could have done better. Probably it's a case of too much, too soon. I warned you how complicated I am and yet you were there to stand by me.

I am terrible.

Please don't hate me when I say you deserve someone who will give you the time and attention I am unable to provide right now, because in fact, what I really mean is I am still hoping that someday, that person would be me. I am not being egoistic, when I tell you that you should be happy, because when I say that, I am wishing in my heart that I'd be that person someday too.

Your loss, you even joked when we talked three hours ago, but this has hit me hard just now, when I realized I can no longer send you messages, or get replies for that matter. That no one will wish me well in the morning and send virtual embraces at night. Or crack me up with jokes. Or remind me to eat. Or that someone is listening to Dave Barnes feeling the same way I do.

In fact, it dawned on me that I might possibly be letting go of the only good thing in my life, yet, I don't know where to start nor if it is even possible to make things right. It is selfishness to keep you waiting when I can't guarantee when or if I'll ever be better.

Until that time that I can take your hand and say, let's start anew, let me wallow in this sadness. And if your hand has clasped another, I know I am the only one to blame.

for you

because you said i only send songs...
(and yes, i drew that myself with a little help from scribbler)

shameless promo

if you haven't done so, check out my attempts at art here. (i used to post regularly in caedes but they periodically take off images which only have a few votes *ouch*)


anyway, do see my works, i love getting comments (nice or otherwise).

faithful

there is beauty IN madness

every song is about you
even the ads that i see
the people's names
and their faces to me
all melt into one
and come out as you
if this isn't love
then i am cuckoo.






the best clueless look i can come up with

madly

mornings, i look forward to
and nights, i pray
never to wake from this slumber
that has me dreaming awake

                       your love sustains my breathing
                       as the sun lends light to the moon
                       you're the missing piece in my puzzle,
                       the other half that'll complete this loon.

the puzzle nut

another reason why the whole seen (and unseen world for that matter) never fail to fascinate me.
a 'rubix cube' that grows on trees. a-ma-zing.



















puzzle nut